Thursday, July 12, 2012

Aegthil's Guide to the Ettenmoors

Hullo little boys and girls, today it's time for Aegthil's Official Ettenmoors Guide. Buckle up and block your ears, because there might be some rude words which you probably don't want to hear.

Let's start with the basics.

What are the Ettenmoors?

The Ettenmoors is a large area, full of rather bare fields with not many trees which is why it's called the Moors. It's called the Etten Moors because the word "Etten" is dwarfish for "Place of Yellow Waters".  Local legend has it that the "Yellow Waters" is a reference to the natural loosening of the bladder that occurs when you are about to be pounded into a pulp by 50 ugly orcs. I have so far been unable to confirm this etymology from independent sources, but it certainly sounds plausible.

The most interesting thing about the Ettenmoors is that it is home to lots of nasties, like orcs and wargs and spiders, and suchlike things. Of course, this isn't all that different from, say Moria. Hower, the reason people go to the Ettenmoors and not to Moria is because Moria is actually a five-dimensional discontinuous Hausdorff-topological manifold bundle in space-time, and so nobody can ever find their way around it. (Aegthil's Guide to Moria coming soon to all good bookstores near you.)

Basic geography of the Ettenmoors

All new visitors to the Ettenmoors need quickly to learn their way around so they don't get eaten by wargs.

At the north is a snowy region called Isendeep. No idea why. This is where there are some dragons who will eat you, and a bunch of huge trolls, so it's best just not to go there at all. If you disregard this advice, then, as the great bard once sang, "Don't you eat that yellow snow".

At the south is the Lumber Camp which is an orc place where orcs chop up orc wood for orc business. Although there is also a hobbit camp nearby, the hobbits are there essentially as a fast-food service for the orc camp. Again, best not to go there, especially if you're a hobbit.

There are some other towers and camps scattered around the map, like Glen Vraig and Tor Aspartate and Glenfiddich and Garm. These are all orc outposts so it's best to avoid all these places, too. In fact, all the camps and towers belong to the orcs, so just don't go near any artificial structure at all. Trees are sometimes safe.

Language of the Ettenmoors

The Ettenmoors have their own unique language, which can be a little difficult to follow.

Person 1: hi guyz sup lol
Person 2: creeps at ta 7 rk 5 mini warg lol
Person 3: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG oh crap i got bad lag lol
Person 2: thats why ur a loser lol
Person 3: fuck u lol
Person 4: ha ha ha i just raped 4 spiders lol
Person 5: u suck man ur gear is total shit lol
Person 6: were is the action lol im going to kick ur ass lol

It's not always easy to understand these cryptic communications, but diligent scientists have managed to decode the meaning of "lol". It's now known to be a traditional Elvish expression meaning "I am a total moron, with absolutely no language skills at all, and with a brain the size of a pea. I am probably also 15 years old".

Myths of the Ettenmoors

One of the most persistent myths surrounding the Ettenmoors is that the baddies there (orcs, spiders, wolves, bears, etc) are all actually wereanimals. In the day they seem to be perfectly normal (if rather dim) people, but when the sun goes down out come the claws, and they let their true nature run riot, turning into weredragons or whatever.

Oh puh-leeze! How stupid do you think I am? This is clearly nothing but ridiculous anthropomorphising. Relax, boys and girls, get a grip. There are no such things as werewolves or werebears. These are just normal monsters, like you see in Moria and other places. Scary? Yes. People in disguise? No.


This depends on who is attacking you, and what class you are. If you're a Loremaster all you ever have to do is stand there and shoot lightning bolts out of your arse until everything drops dead. If you're a minstrel, probably best to emulate the brave Sir Robin, and run away. This can be very effective as long as you run away before any monster notices you. Otherwise it can be dicey.

Well, that's all from Aunty Aegthil today, boys and girls. Remember, if you do go to the Ettenmoors, go with a bunch of friends who all run slower than you.

Happy hunting! Bye now!



  1. Aunty Aeghtil, I have just started going to this mysterious place called the Etten Moors. I am so glad you wrote a tourist guide on it to help me navigate all the hot vacation spots. I have found the local wildlife to be quite charming and not a little friendly, over-friendly at times as some of them tend to bite. However, my skills as a minstrel have come in handy as I play them the Brave Sir Robin song to help soothe them. I highly recommend it.

  2. I have been to this horrible place, and after three days of steady labor, I was rewarded a very nice scarf. On reflection, I am not sure it was entirely worth it.