Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Celebrity News

Earlier in the week, this reporter heard a particularly interesting bit of gossip going the rounds in Mirkwood. Elves were talking in hushed whispers about the latest revelations to do with Elrond, which have come to light after a particularly shameless display at a recent BBB concert.

It appears that one of Elrond's secret trans-gender lovers, an elf by the name of Ellasse (exact gender uncertain as of writing this article) was seen blatantly parading in public at the Treasure Hunt. As if this wasn't bad enough, further investigations revealed that this very same Ellasse had allowed himself to appear in BBB's latest moving picture, in the same revealing trans-gender display.

Undeterred by the fear of reprisals, this reporter took it upon himself to investigate the truth behind these sordid events. After a long and extended "conversation" with Ellasse in the alleys of Bree (in which, we can assure our squeamish readers, there was absolutely no torture involved - merely a few enhanced interrogation techniques) we were able to extract the secret location of Elrond's Trans-Gender Love Phalace Hideaway.

Hidden deep in the fastnesses of the Trollshaws, and closely guarded by Elrond's elite trans-gender Special Service Force, rumours of the Love Phalace Hideaway have been circulating for some time, but this is the first definitive and reliable evidence that has come to light. A independent Rivendell Commission of Enquiry has been set up, and is coordinating its activities with the Bree Town Guard, in whose jurisdiction these events first came to light.

Stay tuned, gentle readers, for the denouement of this sordid little tale. This reporter is on the hunt, and will do his very best to bring any appropriate, or (with luck) inappropriate, pictures into the light of day.

The other major celebrity news is the sad story of the bobbit, Bandoras, who has now become involved in a love triangle tragedy with two other major celebrities, Goldenstar and Merric. Goldenstar, although claiming still to be happily married to Merric, was seen by this reporter making out with the handsome Bandoras after the BBB concert at the Treasure Event. She has even gone so far as to make a Bandoras Fever fan page. It seems she really is smitten. Kisses were exchanged, in sight of all, and they were seen later at an expensive Bree restaurant, gazing into each other's eyes, and holding hands.

Merric has so far refused to comment, although Goldenstar insists that she and Bandoras "are just good friends", and are merely building a "purely Platonic relationship founded on mutual respect". Bandoras, however, was overhead saying "Yes, I am pleased to see you, and that's not a banana in my pants".

Watch this drama unfold, right here in the Landroval Times.

The Landroval Times, Fair and Balanced, for your weekend reading pleasure

Monday, February 27, 2012

The Treasure Hunt Performance

I'm sure this one will go down into BBB history, but for all the wrong reasons.

I have no idea why the piper man decided to waste good music on a bunch of dirty smelly hairy dorf miners, but decide he did, so off we all toddled to the Treasure Hunt. We played our little hearts out, while the event ended and began and ended and began, and all to no avail. Not even berries were found.

The futile merry-go-round of life was never so aptly demonstrated.

And to make it worse, some silly bobbit lady was there, by name of Goldentwinklestar or something. Goldystarrypoo.  Goldyshinytwinkle. Whatever. And, oh boy, did she ever take a shine to Bandoras, that short fat bobbit of no talent and even worse fashion sense. They were practically making out on stage, hot and bobbit heavy. Really nasty stuff.

The rest of BBB tried to control their dry heaves.

And now I hear that Bandoras actually has an official fan club! This is outrageous. It is a sad, sad day in the annals of Eriador musical history when a short fattie gets his own fan club, while talent maestros such as myself do not. *sigh*.

Still, I guess they're only bobbits. I think I'd prefer a Hot Elven Chick Fan Club. The HEC Fan Club. That could work.

Aegthil and the HECs. I can see it.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Rose Rockstar and the Beard

If you, gentle reader, look here, and look carefully, you will discover the truth about Beorbrand. You will see him surrounded by his chosen groupies. And it will shock you.

A male elf, a lone female, and ..... a BOBBIT!

Don't say you weren't warned. You should have looked away sooner.

And as for MY groupies. Well. Aren't they just the cutest bunch of lovely ladies you ever did see? Oh yeah.

Who's laughing NOW, nasty piper man? 

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A broken heart

Well, almost. The lovely lovely book that the lovely lovely Wrenaya made for me has finally bitten the dust. Has been melted down to make garden ornaments.

It was a sad, sad moment.

And in its place I have a brand new Ode to Pfft, courtesy of Estellwyn, who made it, and the nasty piper man, who provided the raw materials. What would I do without my friends? Stay out of prison more, I hear you say. Well, you would probably be right.

Oooh, ooh, and I forgot to say before (this is written somewhat later, I admit with shame) that the Tea Lady also sent me some lovely... er.... things, to stick on my new book. I wasn't sure what exactly to do with them, so I'm using them as bookmarks. Very nice bookmarks they are, too.

Unfortunately, it seems that some other friends snuck in and put in some Shire Country Music at page 37. Nasty, nasty stuff. I dirtied my fingers before I even realised, and had to use some tissues and disinfectant to set things right.

So to celebrate, the nasty piper man and I went off to kick some bandit butt, in Defence of the Dancing Goat, Tier 14! And we only died once, and that was towards the beginning, and it was his fault anyway so he deserved it.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, we kicked some serious bandit butt.

In other news, the nasty man and I crashed Ales and Tales the other night, to round up extras for our Rockstar Moving Picture. Some people managed to escape, but not many. The rest we controlled by cutting the elastic on their trousers so they couldn't run away. Actually, Melanie wasn't trying to run but we cut the elastic on her trousers anyway, for obvious reasons. Same with the Tea lady.

What? What's your problem? You mean you DON'T want to see Melanie and the Tea lady without their trousers?

Oh puh-leeze. I simply don't believe you. Take a cold shower and stop telling little porkies.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Aegthil's guide to slaying Draigoch

I've often heard it said that Draigoch the Dragon is difficult to kill, that any attempt  requires the hardiest souls, the greatest healers, the most elusive burglars, etc etc,  blah blah blah.

Well, this is all horse turds.

This guy is a piece of cake. A walk in the park. A stroll along the riverbank. You just have to know how to do it. And since I do, I believe it to be my duty to spread the light.

Read on, gentle reader, and let the light of Aegthil's knowledge shine on you. Hallelujah.


First note that sometimes people will tell you to do things called "introductory quests". This is just a practical joke. Don't fall for it. If you go and do them all your comrades will be laughing at you behind your back. If someone tries this joke on you, just raise your middle finger and tell them to naff off. The laugh will be on them! Ha Ha Ha!

The entrance

OK, when you first enter Draigoch's den, you hear this deep scary voice talking to you. This deep voice is the Raid Leader, the  person who is paid to do things like pedicure your toenails and make the tea. Mostly Raid Leaders are girls but this Raid Leader is a boy, for obvious reasons.

One thing it's important to realise about the Raid Leader, is that you always have to obey their instructions. So, since the Raid Leader just told you to come on in, and even opened a special hidden door for you, just go right on in. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe.

Now, this next part is tricky, and is best done with your eyes closed. You find yourself  in a maze of twisty passages, all alike, and there are lots of gold coins lying on the floor. If you are in a group you will notice that lots of your comrades will be stopping and starting and stopping and starting. This is so that they can pick up the gold coins.

Bad idea. Really bad idea. Picking up the gold coins brings down the wrath of heaven on your head and you get roasted to a crisp. The Gods don't like thieves, not even bobbit ones. So, don't touch the gold coins.

Of course, it's difficult to resist picking up the gold coins, so it's easiest just to close your eyes and run without looking.

Once you've got to the end of the twisty passages, you go down a staircase to the lower  levels of Draigoch's den. There is also an elevator for the physically disabled, which can be accessed from the middle layer of the twisty passages. However, to operate the elevator you need a special symbol called the Celembrimbor Helm Token. If you're disabled, make sure you come prepared with one of these special Tokens, to make access  easier.

Phase I

Once you reach the lower levels, you enter something called Phase One. In this phase you  have to look for someone with a pink shield on their head. It's not entirely clear why  this person puts a pink shield on their head, but they do, and you have to cope with it,  no matter how fashion challenged it makes them look.

Go and stand close to this person, and put your own shield on your head. This is important. Put. Your. Shield. On.Your. Head. Do it now. If you don't, the Raid Leader will yell at you.

If you don't have a shield then you have a bit of a problem, but in that case it's usually OK to take off your trousers and put them on your head instead. Sometimes it's not, but that complication must be treated on a case-by-case basis. Seek advice from your doctor.

The pink-shield guy will often run around a bit. This is mostly to avoid the nasty body odour coming from the people who are all standing too close to him. If this happens, try a quick application of Dove Men's Care Gentle Skin Deodorant Spray and Facial Cleanser. Either spray on the pink-shield guy or on your neighbour. Either will be effective.

Phase III

Next comes Phase III, which is where some coloured buttons appear on your screen. DON'T  PRESS THE RED BUTTON. That is the self-destruct, so not a good one, at any time. The  choice of button should be based on your outfit colour. If you are wearing Rose, then  the Orange button is always a good choice. If you are trying to be cool and are wearing  black, then don't press any buttons at all.

Phase II

Finally, you enter Phase II, which is when the Raid Leader says to pick a number. It's a special game that Raid Leaders play during dragon fights, in order to increase mental  agility and awareness.

Never pick the number 100. This is what is called a "low" number, without many bonus  points. It is best to pick special numbers called "prime" numbers, which are numbers that are divisible both by 7 and by 12, but not divisible by 4, which is a bad number in  general.

Once you have picked your number, the Raid Leader will give you stuff and the fight is over. If you picked the number that matches the scratch'n sniff card in the chest, then the Raid Leader will give you the Celembrimbor Helm Token. If you're disabled, use this for the elevator (see above). If you're not, this Token can be exchanged for special potions from Beorlich (mushrooms not included, void where prohibited by law).

Congratulations, you have just killed the mighty Draigoch. Pose for a photograph.

Finally, you can now pick up the gold coins lying on the floor. These are appreciated at Madame Celestine's.

Or so I have heard.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Celebrity News, from the Landroval Times Sunday Edition

Scandal. Mayhem. Vicious backbiting. Cowardly attacks. Drama. Deadly violence. This week, we've seen it all in Celebrity circles. Surely this week will go down in the annals as one of the most action-packed to be seen in quite some time.

The biggest news is, of course, the series of vicious attacks that have left Aegthil of Gondor, the Rose Rockstar, convalescing in a secluded "rest" home, far from the prying eyes of the public, as he attempts to put his life back together after a series of assaults that left him with multiple broken bones, mostly in his writing hand.

We at the Landroval Times call for an immediate investigation into allegations that Bluebonnett, the shadowy Lady B of the Shire crime underworld, was the mastermind behind these attacks. (Having said this, we also wish to register our scepticism that a bobbit could ever be called a mastermind of anything, as opposed, say, to a minimind.)

And who, this reporter wants to know, is the mysterious Aegthil of Bree, who appeared so unexpectedly playing with BBB in their most recent megashow? Enquiring minds have yet reached no definitive resolution to this pressing question. Ladies all agree that he was a real mystery dish, but we all hope that more information will be forthcoming in the following weeks. Do we have a new star in our midst?

The other major Celebrity news is the rise of Bree's latest megaband, The Andune Ensemble. Rising from anonymity to stardom in little over a week, this band has rapidly become one of the brightest stars in the Celebrity firmament. A phenomenal story of rags to riches, to warm the coldest heart.

We at the Landroval Times wish the Andune Ensemble the very best, and we encourage them to avoid, on the one hand, the Scylla of loose women (or men), while, on the other hand, steering clear of the Charybdis of the demon drink.

For although we all know how wine, women and song is a match made in heaven, yet do we realise that not all such heavenly matches end for the best. The inebriated gutter is, for some, the denouement. Geoffroi, of course, is mostly already there, but we would not wish the same on the talented Floradine or Anthemisi.

Take care, ladies, and approach fame with humility and circumspection. And on that cautionary note, we remain...

The Landroval Times, Sunday Edition, for your weekend reading pleasure.

The Landroval Times. Fair and Balanced.

Monday, February 13, 2012

It works!

My mind is at ease now. My disguise was impenetrable. My wig and false moustache fooled everybody, and anonymity was mine.

Farewell to Aegthil of Gondor. Welcome Aegthil of Bree. At least until Lady B stops her crusade against the better things of life. One of them being me, of course.

Although reports are conflicting, there is a persistent rumour that Lady B turned up to the BBB show last night, with her henchbobbits. I thought I recognised her immediately even though she wasn't wearing her signature blue and red tights. Thank Eru for that, let me add, in a fashion aside. She stood off to one side, scowling fit to burst, and clearly searching for someone. But she was oblivious! She had no idea that, standing right in front of her playing the horn, was none other than Aegthil of Gondor. The famous Aegthil of Gondor. She just thought it was simple Aegthil of Bree, the non-famous Aegthil, in his full hirsute aspect.

Totally fooled, she was. Totally fooled. Oh boy, did I giggle to myself.

Of course, my dear friends in BBB were a great help, referring to me as "Burt" all night. I'm not entirely sure where the Burt came from, but that certainly added to the overall confusion. And dear Sarasti took over the theorbo duties, and didn't make too many startling errors, so we must be thankful for that, also. Actually, Sarasti was in rather fine voice, particularly in the foreign numbers, with all those funny foreign words.

As usual, the crowd went wild (it's no wonder that Lady B gets so annoyed!). Ladies swooned, the men cheered. Some of them swooned too. Mind you, it was rather a puzzle to know for whom they were swooning and cheering, as the famous Aegthil of Gondor wasn't there. It wasn't for Beorbrand, we know that much, as nobody but a goat would swoon for Beorbrand. Maybe it was for Ranph and Filsi. Or for Sarasti, in the case of the men. Not for Bandoras or Anarwald, no way.

I did notice one very handsome dorf lady there, and maybe she had a thing for Beorbrand. Wouldn't surprise me. With all that beard his face does look a little like the rear end of a goat, which, we are reliably informed, can get the dorfs excited.

Anyway, the swooning and cheering was deafening, as it ought to be. The famous Fionalulu was there also, in one of her rare appearances since her widely publicised lovers' tiff with Gourgini (still nowhere to be found). The lovely Tess, still a gender-confused daughter of Numenor, put in a much-appreciated appearance also. A great improvement to the scenery. And, of course, the inimitable Teabrew was dancing and singing along with great enthusiasm, and even greater sultry appeal.

Oh yeah.

Melanie had headed off to bed earlier, with three hobbits and a goat in tow. I don't even want to think about that.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Aegthil in disguse

I have now found the perfect disguise for my infrequent forays into Bree or elsewhere. A wig, a false moustache, and hey presto, it's Aegthil of Bree, not Aegthil of Gondor. Complete the outfit with a very sexy hooded thing that covers just about everything, and I have perfect confidence that Lady B, the superbobbit of crime, will never find me. Well, perhaps not perfect confidence, but I hope it will work.

I was going to show a picture to all my devoted fans, but then it occurred to me that might not be the best approach to anonymity. The ladies shall sigh in vain.

However, I must admit to being somewhat nervous about the BBB performance tonight. Lady B will surely expect me to be there, and will be planning on showing up herself, with her band of roughnecks. Will my disguise stand the test? If not, will I be the unwilling victim of yet more bobbit violence? Will it be my neck next time, instead of only my fingers?

But other questions occur to me as well. Should I try to suppress my enormous natural talent and charm so as not to make Lady B even more jealous? Perhaps I should restrain myself, try to prevent the ladies from throwing themselves at my feet. I could refrain from washing. I could wear nasty clothes. I could pick my nose. I could break wind loudly in the quiet passages.

I could even try to be polite to people who don't deserve it.

Would this work? Would this make me safe?

But one question occurs to me in the dead of night, over and over again, when all Madame Celestine's girls are sleeping, when the wind is howling over the Greenway, and spectres come to haunt the minds of men.

Will I ever be safe from Lady B?

Friday, February 10, 2012


My convalescence continues, although only slowly. Finger bones are such tricky little things, you have to treat them most carefully, with love and attention, or you might find yourself in the horrible position of not being able to raise your middle finger when the situation demands.

I'm recovering in an LMB safe house, in an undisclosed location, to avoid any further attentions from Lady B and her henchhobbits. All outings are necessarily being taken in heavy disguise and strict anonymity. Funnily, I find that, as long as I can keep my mouth shut, a disguise is an effective and simple way to avoid unwanted attention. Most likely people find the beard so digusting and morally offensive that they don't want to make eye contact. That's a very common, one could almost say universal, reaction to beards.

However, I was able to make it to the last Ales and Tales, which was a most relaxing affair. In particular, I must commend the lovely lady Melanie, who combines the height of personal elegance and beauty with a most decided talent for writing and telling stories. Well, not that I was listening to the story of course, I was too busy watching the scenery, but I'm sure it was very impressive nonetheless. My Fool paid more attention than I did, and he thought so. Mind you, who cares what a fool thinks? Not I, for one.

Old Winyards played the LMB anthem, which is a pathetic piece of music as I believe I have already mentioned, and a few sad people sang along with them. Probably members of the LMB at a guess. I refrained from pointing out the simplicity, bordering on stupidity, of the song, it's ridiculous harmonic scheme, and the triviality of the melody. The lyrics, I suppose, were acceptable. Just. But I was so well behaved it made my teeth ache.

But now my secretary's writing hand is getting tired, and is in need of a massage. I shall help her, in a variety of ways, and dictate more at another time.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

In which I lose my job and get my fingers broken

It is not always that genius goes unrecognised, but neither is this always a good thing. Genius can inspire love and devotion (I certainly see a lot of that every day!) but it can inspire also bitterness and envy, to the detriment of all.

And so it has proved to be.

As some of you may know I've been moonlighting at the Landroval Times. Strictly anonymously, of course, it wouldn't do to have a rock star exposing themselves as a grubby tabloid journalist, but I can't deny that Madame Celestine has found the additional income useful. But I've been outed now, by a short, fat bobbit of small brain and even less talent, motivated clearly by nothing but green envy and despite.

I believe I wrote something that offended her. Imagine that! Me, who never wrote or said anything to offend anyone! It just beggars the imagination!  I am the soul of innocence, the sultan of veracity, the kind and gentle reporter for your Sunday news, and, at all times, Fair and Balanced. Ahem. At least, I was. At any rate, beggared imagination or not, a  lawsuit was initiated against the Landroval Times and myself personally, and a court injunction forced the removal of certain articles from the Landroval Times. Dear oh dear.

But wait. There's more.

Later on that same day, whilst promenading around Bree to be admired by the ladies, I was set on and assaulted by a group of bobbits, led by one, clearly female, wearing red and blue tights, with a large B embroidered on the chest. I have to say, as far as fashion goes, Lady B really does need to lose the tights. I mean, not lose the tights with nothing on underneath, but take off the tights and put on something else to cover her nether regions. (Do this in a private place where nobody can see.) Really. Fashion advice is clearly necessary here, and I am happy to oblige, even when someone is beating on me. If I'm going to be beat up, at least wear something nice, like it's a party or something. Or a special occasion.

Anyway, the assault was vicious and prolonged (I believe I also heard cheering, which seemed to be coming from the Bree Town Guard) and I was left with a number of broken nails, facial bruising, and 7 broken bones in my writing hand.

And thus endeth my career as a world-famous journalist. I believe the Landroval Times is currently advertising for a replacement. Pfft.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Like a butterfly

Just as the lovely butterfly emerges from its cocooned incarceration, spreads its wings and takes flight for the admiration and wonder of all, so do I emerge from Madame Celestine's, well refreshed (although a little tired, I must admit), and take wing across the land, spreading joy and love to my multitude of fans.

Oh yeah. My Fool has finally returned, and thus my release. Hallelujah.

Life is, as one might expect, full of social calls and musical duties. Anarwald is the proud recipient of a piece of musical rubbish that my Fool wrote while travelling. It is called Anarwald's Pavlova. Don't ask why, as the story is complicated and uninteresting. And the Lonely Mountain Band has also been the somewhat less proud recipient of yet another piece of musical nonsense that my Fool likes to call the LMB anthem. Right. Anthem.

How pathetic.

My dear kinmates are still working on the lyrics. I shall leave them to it. I am far too important to sully my pristine hands with the filth of lyric writing. No way.

My next task, you ask? To make the Riders of Rohan love me a little more. They should already you would think, but for some strange reason they don't seem all that keen on me. This must change.

However, I did find a lovely pair of Rose Boots while doing menial chores for the Riders, so it has not been a complete waste.

Rose is the new Black, and I am still gorgeous.

Yee Haw.