Friday, February 17, 2012

Aegthil's guide to slaying Draigoch

I've often heard it said that Draigoch the Dragon is difficult to kill, that any attempt  requires the hardiest souls, the greatest healers, the most elusive burglars, etc etc,  blah blah blah.

Well, this is all horse turds.

This guy is a piece of cake. A walk in the park. A stroll along the riverbank. You just have to know how to do it. And since I do, I believe it to be my duty to spread the light.

Read on, gentle reader, and let the light of Aegthil's knowledge shine on you. Hallelujah.


First note that sometimes people will tell you to do things called "introductory quests". This is just a practical joke. Don't fall for it. If you go and do them all your comrades will be laughing at you behind your back. If someone tries this joke on you, just raise your middle finger and tell them to naff off. The laugh will be on them! Ha Ha Ha!

The entrance

OK, when you first enter Draigoch's den, you hear this deep scary voice talking to you. This deep voice is the Raid Leader, the  person who is paid to do things like pedicure your toenails and make the tea. Mostly Raid Leaders are girls but this Raid Leader is a boy, for obvious reasons.

One thing it's important to realise about the Raid Leader, is that you always have to obey their instructions. So, since the Raid Leader just told you to come on in, and even opened a special hidden door for you, just go right on in. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe.

Now, this next part is tricky, and is best done with your eyes closed. You find yourself  in a maze of twisty passages, all alike, and there are lots of gold coins lying on the floor. If you are in a group you will notice that lots of your comrades will be stopping and starting and stopping and starting. This is so that they can pick up the gold coins.

Bad idea. Really bad idea. Picking up the gold coins brings down the wrath of heaven on your head and you get roasted to a crisp. The Gods don't like thieves, not even bobbit ones. So, don't touch the gold coins.

Of course, it's difficult to resist picking up the gold coins, so it's easiest just to close your eyes and run without looking.

Once you've got to the end of the twisty passages, you go down a staircase to the lower  levels of Draigoch's den. There is also an elevator for the physically disabled, which can be accessed from the middle layer of the twisty passages. However, to operate the elevator you need a special symbol called the Celembrimbor Helm Token. If you're disabled, make sure you come prepared with one of these special Tokens, to make access  easier.

Phase I

Once you reach the lower levels, you enter something called Phase One. In this phase you  have to look for someone with a pink shield on their head. It's not entirely clear why  this person puts a pink shield on their head, but they do, and you have to cope with it,  no matter how fashion challenged it makes them look.

Go and stand close to this person, and put your own shield on your head. This is important. Put. Your. Shield. On.Your. Head. Do it now. If you don't, the Raid Leader will yell at you.

If you don't have a shield then you have a bit of a problem, but in that case it's usually OK to take off your trousers and put them on your head instead. Sometimes it's not, but that complication must be treated on a case-by-case basis. Seek advice from your doctor.

The pink-shield guy will often run around a bit. This is mostly to avoid the nasty body odour coming from the people who are all standing too close to him. If this happens, try a quick application of Dove Men's Care Gentle Skin Deodorant Spray and Facial Cleanser. Either spray on the pink-shield guy or on your neighbour. Either will be effective.

Phase III

Next comes Phase III, which is where some coloured buttons appear on your screen. DON'T  PRESS THE RED BUTTON. That is the self-destruct, so not a good one, at any time. The  choice of button should be based on your outfit colour. If you are wearing Rose, then  the Orange button is always a good choice. If you are trying to be cool and are wearing  black, then don't press any buttons at all.

Phase II

Finally, you enter Phase II, which is when the Raid Leader says to pick a number. It's a special game that Raid Leaders play during dragon fights, in order to increase mental  agility and awareness.

Never pick the number 100. This is what is called a "low" number, without many bonus  points. It is best to pick special numbers called "prime" numbers, which are numbers that are divisible both by 7 and by 12, but not divisible by 4, which is a bad number in  general.

Once you have picked your number, the Raid Leader will give you stuff and the fight is over. If you picked the number that matches the scratch'n sniff card in the chest, then the Raid Leader will give you the Celembrimbor Helm Token. If you're disabled, use this for the elevator (see above). If you're not, this Token can be exchanged for special potions from Beorlich (mushrooms not included, void where prohibited by law).

Congratulations, you have just killed the mighty Draigoch. Pose for a photograph.

Finally, you can now pick up the gold coins lying on the floor. These are appreciated at Madame Celestine's.

Or so I have heard.


  1. A wonderfully written guide to the ancient and honourable art of killing dragons. Good job, Admiral.

    Except for one thing. Orange does not go with rose. No way. Orange buttons on a rose robe are an old and boring trend for Spring 3019. An anonymous but fashionable burglar suggests using lime green buttons (not to be confused with forest green, mint green, pistachio, chartreuse or any other buttons).

  2. I've been going off Beorbrand's guide to Draigoch so far, but there you both are standing under the head. Now I'll have to utilize most optimum of both, and let the flaming spittle fall where it may.