Scandal. Mayhem. Vicious backbiting. Cowardly attacks. Drama. Deadly violence. This week, we've seen it all in Celebrity circles. Surely this week will go down in the annals as one of the most action-packed to be seen in quite some time.
The biggest news is, of course, the series of vicious attacks that have left Aegthil of Gondor, the Rose Rockstar, convalescing in a secluded "rest" home, far from the prying eyes of the public, as he attempts to put his life back together after a series of assaults that left him with multiple broken bones, mostly in his writing hand.
We at the Landroval Times call for an immediate investigation into allegations that Bluebonnett, the shadowy Lady B of the Shire crime underworld, was the mastermind behind these attacks. (Having said this, we also wish to register our scepticism that a bobbit could ever be called a mastermind of anything, as opposed, say, to a minimind.)
And who, this reporter wants to know, is the mysterious Aegthil of Bree, who appeared so unexpectedly playing with BBB in their most recent megashow? Enquiring minds have yet reached no definitive resolution to this pressing question. Ladies all agree that he was a real mystery dish, but we all hope that more information will be forthcoming in the following weeks. Do we have a new star in our midst?
The other major Celebrity news is the rise of Bree's latest megaband, The Andune Ensemble. Rising from anonymity to stardom in little over a week, this band has rapidly become one of the brightest stars in the Celebrity firmament. A phenomenal story of rags to riches, to warm the coldest heart.
We at the Landroval Times wish the Andune Ensemble the very best, and we encourage them to avoid, on the one hand, the Scylla of loose women (or men), while, on the other hand, steering clear of the Charybdis of the demon drink.
For although we all know how wine, women and song is a match made in heaven, yet do we realise that not all such heavenly matches end for the best. The inebriated gutter is, for some, the denouement. Geoffroi, of course, is mostly already there, but we would not wish the same on the talented Floradine or Anthemisi.
Take care, ladies, and approach fame with humility and circumspection. And on that cautionary note, we remain...
The Landroval Times, Sunday Edition, for your weekend reading pleasure.
The Landroval Times. Fair and Balanced.