Celebrity News

Earlier in the week, this reporter heard a particularly interesting bit of gossip going the rounds in Mirkwood. Elves were talking in hushed whispers about the latest revelations to do with Elrond, which have come to light after a particularly shameless display at a recent BBB concert.

It appears that one of Elrond's secret trans-gender lovers, an elf by the name of Ellasse (exact gender uncertain as of writing this article) was seen blatantly parading in public at the Treasure Hunt. As if this wasn't bad enough, further investigations revealed that this very same Ellasse had allowed himself to appear in BBB's latest moving picture, in the same revealing trans-gender display.

Undeterred by the fear of reprisals, this reporter took it upon himself to investigate the truth behind these sordid events. After a long and extended "conversation" with Ellasse in the alleys of Bree (in which, we can assure our squeamish readers, there was absolutely no torture involved - merely a few enhanced interrogation techniques) we were able to extract the secret location of Elrond's Trans-Gender Love Phalace Hideaway.

Hidden deep in the fastnesses of the Trollshaws, and closely guarded by Elrond's elite trans-gender Special Service Force, rumours of the Love Phalace Hideaway have been circulating for some time, but this is the first definitive and reliable evidence that has come to light. A independent Rivendell Commission of Enquiry has been set up, and is coordinating its activities with the Bree Town Guard, in whose jurisdiction these events first came to light.

Stay tuned, gentle readers, for the denouement of this sordid little tale. This reporter is on the hunt, and will do his very best to bring any appropriate, or (with luck) inappropriate, pictures into the light of day.

The other major celebrity news is the sad story of the bobbit, Bandoras, who has now become involved in a love triangle tragedy with two other major celebrities, Goldenstar and Merric. Goldenstar, although claiming still to be happily married to Merric, was seen by this reporter making out with the handsome Bandoras after the BBB concert at the Treasure Event. She has even gone so far as to make a Bandoras Fever fan page. It seems she really is smitten. Kisses were exchanged, in sight of all, and they were seen later at an expensive Bree restaurant, gazing into each other's eyes, and holding hands.

Merric has so far refused to comment, although Goldenstar insists that she and Bandoras "are just good friends", and are merely building a "purely Platonic relationship founded on mutual respect". Bandoras, however, was overhead saying "Yes, I am pleased to see you, and that's not a banana in my pants".

Watch this drama unfold, right here in the Landroval Times.

The Landroval Times, Fair and Balanced, for your weekend reading pleasure

Celebrity News, from the Landroval Times Sunday Edition

Scandal. Mayhem. Vicious backbiting. Cowardly attacks. Drama. Deadly violence. This week, we've seen it all in Celebrity circles. Surely this week will go down in the annals as one of the most action-packed to be seen in quite some time.

The biggest news is, of course, the series of vicious attacks that have left Aegthil of Gondor, the Rose Rockstar, convalescing in a secluded "rest" home, far from the prying eyes of the public, as he attempts to put his life back together after a series of assaults that left him with multiple broken bones, mostly in his writing hand.

We at the Landroval Times call for an immediate investigation into allegations that Bluebonnett, the shadowy Lady B of the Shire crime underworld, was the mastermind behind these attacks. (Having said this, we also wish to register our scepticism that a bobbit could ever be called a mastermind of anything, as opposed, say, to a minimind.)

And who, this reporter wants to know, is the mysterious Aegthil of Bree, who appeared so unexpectedly playing with BBB in their most recent megashow? Enquiring minds have yet reached no definitive resolution to this pressing question. Ladies all agree that he was a real mystery dish, but we all hope that more information will be forthcoming in the following weeks. Do we have a new star in our midst?

The other major Celebrity news is the rise of Bree's latest megaband, The Andune Ensemble. Rising from anonymity to stardom in little over a week, this band has rapidly become one of the brightest stars in the Celebrity firmament. A phenomenal story of rags to riches, to warm the coldest heart.

We at the Landroval Times wish the Andune Ensemble the very best, and we encourage them to avoid, on the one hand, the Scylla of loose women (or men), while, on the other hand, steering clear of the Charybdis of the demon drink.

For although we all know how wine, women and song is a match made in heaven, yet do we realise that not all such heavenly matches end for the best. The inebriated gutter is, for some, the denouement. Geoffroi, of course, is mostly already there, but we would not wish the same on the talented Floradine or Anthemisi.

Take care, ladies, and approach fame with humility and circumspection. And on that cautionary note, we remain...

The Landroval Times, Sunday Edition, for your weekend reading pleasure.

The Landroval Times. Fair and Balanced.

Missing bobbits sighted

Reports have been received at the Landroval Times that two bobbits, reported missing late last week from the premises of the famous and fabulous rock band, BBB, were seen on Monday night performing with Old Winyards.

The bobbits are one Bluebonnett (short, roundish, very ugly, body odour problem) and one Carica (short, roundish, very ugly, body odour problem), both members of the Lonely Mountain Band. They had been purchased (on sale) by BBB some months ago, and have since come to play unnecessary and unimportant roles in the weekly BBB performances.

At the time, their disappearance led to rampant speculation about possible bobbit abuse inside BBB, but this was investigated and found to be nothing more than the product of sad jealousy from people of inferior talent.

Nevertheless, the sudden and unexpected appearance of the two said bobbits with Old Winyards, must now raise some ugly questions that this reporter, at least, would like to see answered. Is it really acceptable for Old Winyards to steal band personnel, even if they are not important? Is the organisation Elves Against Cruelty to Hobbits (EACH) investigating? If not, why not? What does Lennidhren know, and when did she know it?

It is the opinion of this newspaper, and of every right-thinking person, that the leader of the Lonely Mountain Band, Harperella, the person who carries ultimate responsibility for the actions of  LMB members, should be brought in for questioning by the police, and forced to provide an explanation for behaviour that, at the very least, is disturbing.

Aegthil: Roving Reporter and Agony Aunt

Being a man of so many and varied highly developed skills it was only a matter of time before I got asked to contribute to Society in ways other than my fashion sense and rock-star performances (and lifestyle).

You will all be delighted to hear that I have signed on to the Landroval Times as their reporter-at-large, with particular responsibility for the Celebrity Gossip Column, and the Agony Aunt page.

In my first intrepid and daring piece of investigative journalism I report on the possible sad fate of a missing dorf and the potential involvement of the Sons of Numenor. This is indeed a sordid tale of corruption, treachery and greed in the innermost circles of one of our previously most respected kinships.

Where will it all end? Who can tell? For we are embarking together on a dangerous journey to discover the truth, at all costs; it is only by looking deep within ourselves and facing the unthinkable (for example, a Son of Numenor in a dress) that we can arrive at a fuller understanding of ourselves.

Join me, my friends and fans, as I delve into the dark and dirty secrets of Bree High Society, as I look in detail at the Elvish parties in Rivendell (just what, exactly, are they smoking, and where did they get it?), and as I dispense kind and gentle advice to those poor souls in need of a little reassurance.

This is Aegthil, Agony Aunt and Roving Reporter, signing off.