Aegthil's Guide to Winterstock

My Guide to Weatherstock was a smash hit (it still is, of course) so I have given in to popular demand and written a companion guide to Winterstock.

What is Winterstock?

Winterstock is an enormous trade fair dedicated to dwarven and orcish erotica, usually called dworcish erotica. Sellers and buyers of dwarcish erotic literature and media, sex toys, and XXX dworcish lingerie congregate here every year in their thousands. It is the largest trade fair of any kind in Middle Earth, and widely regarded to be one of the most unusual and unique spectacles to be seen anywhere.


How did Winterstock start?

The history of Winterstock began 5 years ago when the bobbit Byrcha was arrested by the Bree Town Guard for the illegal sale of dworcish erotica outside the Prancing Pony. Although, due to a minor legal technicality, she was never formally charged with obscenity, she decided that a safer place was needed, where people of her persuasions could safely meet to share ideas, pictures, and cleaning fluids. Thus was born the idea of a specialised trade fair, held every year at Thorin's Gate, where the laws against obscenity are understandably less strict. (Otherwise, of course, all dwarves would be behind bars.)

How do I register?

To register, a small non-refundable registration fee is payable to Byrcha, of the Lonely Mountain Band. The registration fee must be accompanied by a medical certificate of cleanliness and good health.


What is dworcish erotica?

Huh? What kind of question is that? It's obvious. What? It's not? You've never googled "Orc Porn"? I don't believe you. OK, fine. Have a look here, and here.


Can I get a free sample?

Yep. Talk to any member of BBB, but most likely Eilye or Wrenthil. They can help you out.


Where is Winterstock?

Moron. It's at Thorin's Gate, like I said above. You need to listen to what people are telling you.


Who organises Winterstock?

Technically the Lonely Mountain Band does, although all organisational aspects have to be kept in the strictest secrecy for legal reasons. Although dworcish erotica is not technically illegal in Thorin's Gate, there are detailed bilateral agreements between Thorin's Gate and Bree for the extradition of wanted persons and the prevention of immoral activities. In the past a number of LMB organisers have been extradited on this basis, and have been subsequently indicted and imprisoned; the LMB tries hard to avoid any repetition of such unfortunate occurrences.

If you are personally interested in helping with the administration of this Trade Fair, send a blood sample to Beorbrand, LMB Officer, LMB kinhouse, Ellinbarbarbarant. Include 5 gold for postage and handling.


Is there music at Winterstock?

No. Not what you'd actually call "music" as such. The trade organisers do hire so-called "bands" to provide entertainment, but often this isn't actually musical at all, tending far more towards obscene burlesque than to high culture. BBB. Say no more. Every so often some group of unfortunates tries to instil a higher moral tone, but this never works.

As a general rule, the punters at Winterstock are far more interested in watching wet T-shirt orc chick wrestling than they are in listening to foofy elvish songs about trees and birds. Go figure.


How can I buy illegal substances at Winterstock?

Talk to any member of BBB or the Lonely Mountain Band. Illegal substances are highly recommended and widely used at Winterstock. It's the best way to cushion your psyche against the intolerable strain of being surrounded by dorf lingerie. I mean, some of those images will haunt you for years after.


What is the origin of the name "Winterstock"?

The word "Winterstock" is a western alliteration of the title of one of the earliest dwarvish obscene drinking songs. The actual title is "Wigkh kum akt tu schtuk". A direct translation of this would be, approximately "Hairy up and hairy down".


Is it true that Aegthilmina wears dorf-style crotchless panties underneath her pink dress?

I couldn't possibly say.

Aegthil's Guide to the Bagpipes

The bagpipes (often called simply "the pipes") are one of the most unusual "musical" instruments, both in their origin and their sound, and bring a unique "flavour" to the Bree music scene.

Origin of the bagpipes

It is often claimed that the bagpipes originated from some of the earliest wind instruments played by the dwarfs of the Blue Mountain region, but this is just one of the many fallacies promulgated by ignorance.

The very first "bagpipes" were actually a shipment of used Elvish contraceptive devices that were being transported to the West for hygenic destruction in a sterile environment. On its way past Ered Luin this shipment was waylaid by the then Dwarf King, Thorin IV Oakenlegs.

Initial questions over the function of this shipment was soon answered, when a fortuitous discovery by the famous Dwarven minstrel, Boli Mightyspear, showed how these contraceptive devices, when placed in the mouth and blown hard, could make a sound approximating that of the best dwarven "music" available at that time.

The Rivendell Trading Company, upon realising what had happened, were quick to grasp the commercial opportunities inherest in the situation, and set up a thriving export business in used contraceptive devices, which continues to this day.

The dwarves, and other bagpipe players, appear to remain unaware of the exact provenance of their instruments.

Construction of the bagpipes

Bagpipes are made from high quality Auroch's bladder, connected to bits of iron tubing with holes in it.


How to play the bagpipes

Bagpipe players claim that by covering up the various holes in the bit of iron tubing, the bagpipes can be made to produce notes of different pitch. However, anybody who has ever listened to the bagpipes knows this to be false. Bagpipes only ever play a single note. The same note. Over and over again. No change. Ever.


Can bagpipes be used as contraceptive devices?

Yes, in two ways. Firstly there are the obvious anatomical ways the bagpipes can, and have, been used. Proof that this method works can be seen in any Elvish settlement, where there are NEVER any Elvish children. None. Ever. And this isn't because Elves don't enjoy a good time, trust me.

Secondly, the sound produced by the bagpipes is inimical to feelings of sexual desire, and thus playing the bagpipes will, by its very nature, decrease the player's libido, and shrink their ... well, never mind about that. In addition, anybody who listens to the bagpipes tends to succumb to feelings of morbid depression, with a consequent severe decrease in conjugal or other intimate relations.


Can bagpipe players be rehabilitated?

No. Euthanasia is usually the best option.

Aegthil's Guide to the Ettenmoors

Hullo little boys and girls, today it's time for Aegthil's Official Ettenmoors Guide. Buckle up and block your ears, because there might be some rude words which you probably don't want to hear.

Let's start with the basics.

What are the Ettenmoors?

The Ettenmoors is a large area, full of rather bare fields with not many trees which is why it's called the Moors. It's called the Etten Moors because the word "Etten" is dwarfish for "Place of Yellow Waters".  Local legend has it that the "Yellow Waters" is a reference to the natural loosening of the bladder that occurs when you are about to be pounded into a pulp by 50 ugly orcs. I have so far been unable to confirm this etymology from independent sources, but it certainly sounds plausible.

The most interesting thing about the Ettenmoors is that it is home to lots of nasties, like orcs and wargs and spiders, and suchlike things. Of course, this isn't all that different from, say Moria. Hower, the reason people go to the Ettenmoors and not to Moria is because Moria is actually a five-dimensional discontinuous Hausdorff-topological manifold bundle in space-time, and so nobody can ever find their way around it. (Aegthil's Guide to Moria coming soon to all good bookstores near you.)

Basic geography of the Ettenmoors

All new visitors to the Ettenmoors need quickly to learn their way around so they don't get eaten by wargs.

At the north is a snowy region called Isendeep. No idea why. This is where there are some dragons who will eat you, and a bunch of huge trolls, so it's best just not to go there at all. If you disregard this advice, then, as the great bard once sang, "Don't you eat that yellow snow".

At the south is the Lumber Camp which is an orc place where orcs chop up orc wood for orc business. Although there is also a hobbit camp nearby, the hobbits are there essentially as a fast-food service for the orc camp. Again, best not to go there, especially if you're a hobbit.

There are some other towers and camps scattered around the map, like Glen Vraig and Tor Aspartate and Glenfiddich and Garm. These are all orc outposts so it's best to avoid all these places, too. In fact, all the camps and towers belong to the orcs, so just don't go near any artificial structure at all. Trees are sometimes safe.

Language of the Ettenmoors

The Ettenmoors have their own unique language, which can be a little difficult to follow.

Person 1: hi guyz sup lol
Person 2: creeps at ta 7 rk 5 mini warg lol
Person 3: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG oh crap i got bad lag lol
Person 2: thats why ur a loser lol
Person 3: fuck u lol
Person 4: ha ha ha i just raped 4 spiders lol
Person 5: u suck man ur gear is total shit lol
Person 6: were is the action lol im going to kick ur ass lol

It's not always easy to understand these cryptic communications, but diligent scientists have managed to decode the meaning of "lol". It's now known to be a traditional Elvish expression meaning "I am a total moron, with absolutely no language skills at all, and with a brain the size of a pea. I am probably also 15 years old".

Myths of the Ettenmoors

One of the most persistent myths surrounding the Ettenmoors is that the baddies there (orcs, spiders, wolves, bears, etc) are all actually wereanimals. In the day they seem to be perfectly normal (if rather dim) people, but when the sun goes down out come the claws, and they let their true nature run riot, turning into weredragons or whatever.

Oh puh-leeze! How stupid do you think I am? This is clearly nothing but ridiculous anthropomorphising. Relax, boys and girls, get a grip. There are no such things as werewolves or werebears. These are just normal monsters, like you see in Moria and other places. Scary? Yes. People in disguise? No.

Strategies

This depends on who is attacking you, and what class you are. If you're a Loremaster all you ever have to do is stand there and shoot lightning bolts out of your arse until everything drops dead. If you're a minstrel, probably best to emulate the brave Sir Robin, and run away. This can be very effective as long as you run away before any monster notices you. Otherwise it can be dicey.


Well, that's all from Aunty Aegthil today, boys and girls. Remember, if you do go to the Ettenmoors, go with a bunch of friends who all run slower than you.

Happy hunting! Bye now!

Lol.

Aegthil's Guide to Weatherstock

What is Weatherstock?

Good question. Weatherstock is this huge gathering where lots of people gather so that they can get free weed and booze from the Lonely Mountain Band. It happens every few months (see below). Bobbit vendors dressed in yellow outfits train for months before each gathering, building up their teeny tiny muscles so that they can carry large quantities of booze, pies and weed for distribution.

People come from miles around to attend the event. Well, doh, of course they do. Free booze and weed? What's not to like?

Who are the Lonely Mountain Band?

Officially they are something called a kinship, which means that they are all closely genetically related and inbred. Now, this might seem a minor point until you realise that Beorbrand is a member of the Lonely Mountain Band, and then you realise that the LMB is a group of people who are genetically closely related to Beorbrand, and probably inbred with his goats. Or possibly some LMB members are kind of like Beorbrand/Carica/Bluebonnett genetic mixes, with maybe a little Anarwald/Sarasti added to the pot. At this point, you realise just how scary the LMB really is. Every so often you get a bright star shining from out of the depths of the LMB, a bright star that disproves everything that is commonly thought about such inbred and genetically unvarying populations, a bright star like, say.... um..... like..... er.....  well, actually, never mind about the bright star. Let's just move on.

Why does the LMB give out free booze and weed?

This isn't known for certain, although noted scientists have proposed some plausible theories. The most commonly accepted theory is that the free booze and weed makes it easier for the members of the LMB to get lucky with the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever), and thus Weatherstock is in fact an evolutionary adaptation to the sad fact that the LMB is really just a bunch of losers.

Personally, I couldn't possibly comment.


Did you get lucky with that cute blonde?

Next question please. A gentleman never tells.


Is there music as well?

No, not usually, at least nothing important. Every so often you get a band-like entity on the little rock stage but that never lasts for long and nobody listens to them anyway. One notable exception was a group calling themselves "Please Fondle Me, Frodo". Everybody listened to them, but that was only because they weren't actually playing music, but mostly making stupid jokes instead. Anyway, they have a terrible name, because, quite frankly, Frodo is nothing but a bloody whiner and I wouldn't want to have him fondle me, that's for sure. The fact that this group of individuals actually wants to be fondled by a bobbit is kind of scary, although not really all that surprising once you get to know them. Not that I did, I hasten to add. 

Note that, to my sure and certain knowledge, there has never been a band called "Don't Tempt Me, You Cute Elvish Chick". For pretty obvious reasons, really.


Where is Weatherstock?

Not a good question. It's at Weatherstock of course, you moron.


When is Weatherstock?

Official advertising claims that Weatherstock happens only once a year but this is false. It actually happens once every few months, but LMB members just smoke so much weed that their short-term memory is completely shot, and they simply can't remember when the last Weatherstock was. Most of them can barely remember their own names.


Who organises Weatherstock?

Nobody, really. It's pretty much a total shambles. What on earth do you expect when you get a bunch of genetically inbred dope-heads to organise a party? However, I suppose if you had to mention someone, it's probably Tinki who is the main boss.. er... bobbit. At least, she's the one who seems to be in charge of distributing the booze and the weed. She is easily identified by her yellow hat, which typically stands at about knee level. She's a bobbit, which explains the level reduction relative to normality. If you give Tinki a special tip she has been known to provide other services. Don't tip, is my advice.


What does "Weatherstock" mean?

The word "Weatherstock" is from the Elvish "Weatherdunie sinya Stockilala" which means "Hill of Bright Streaming Water under Gentle Rainbows on a Sunny Spring Morn". Elvish names really are crap.


Why are all the horses walking funny?

Yeah, I've noticed this too. Weird, huh? My theory is that it's because of Beorbrand. Don't ask. 

Aegthil's Guide to Meeting Cute Elf Chicks

The Great River. The beginning quests. A sad, sad story that tears your heartstrings.

That poor Smelly Horse-Rider Man Person. He's gone and fallen in love with a nasty elf chick, and she just told him to get lost as she's way too busy whirling numchucks around her head and throwing little pointy star things.

Now, Mr. Smelly Horse-Rider Man Person, you're doing it all wrong. You need advice from an expert. You need advice from the famous Aegthil of Gondor. That's me*.  So listen up, boyo.

Location, location, location

It's all in the location. If you want to meet Cute Elf Chicks, don't go to the Great River. That part of the world is full of dirty barbarous peoples (well, much like yourself. Go figure.) who smell of horse turds and eat hay, and any decent elf chick worth her salt is going to be somewhere else. Anywhere else, I imagine.

The only elf chicks you're ever going to find in the Great River are ones with numchucks and pointy star things. Dressed all in black and looking vicious. The only thing they look at you for is to determine the best kill point.

So, where do you go? That's easy. You go to CEC parties. Mostly in Rivendell, although there are often significant CEC parties in Bree also, in the back rooms of the Dancing Goat. (The legality of the Dancing Goat back room parties is still a somewhat thorny issue, but if you keep an exit free at all times you should be reasonably safe.)

CEC parties

To get to CEC parties you need to be invited. You need to be part of the cool crowd. You need to be hip. You need to be sexy. This is easy to achieve.

Step 1. Shave your head.
Step 2. Play the theorbo.
Step 3.   ...oh no... wait. That's all you need. Forget about step 3.

Third Base

Meeting a CEC at a CEC party is essentially equivalent to getting to first base (using the common parlance). To get right to third base (CECs have no second base in general) follow these simple Do's and Don'ts.

Do:

• Use small words and simple concepts. 
• Be direct. 
• Be honest. (Or not. Whichever works best. Experiment.) 
• Play the theorbo. I may have mentioned this already.

Don'ts:

• Chew garlic
• Play the bagpipes
• Work out in the gym first and then go without a shower, whilst wearing yesterday's underwear.
• Approach the one wearing trousers, even if he does look like a girl.

Well, that's all from the CEC expert. Good luck, Mr. Smelly Horse-Rider Man Person. Follow my rules, you won't go wrong. Invite me to your wedding.

* The author of this article is well-known internationally for his extensive experience with CECs. He has published over 200 peer-reviewed articles in this area, with a citation rate of 15.8 index points, and a p-index of 324, and has been an invited speaker at every major international CEC conference. His latest book (Cute Elf Chicks and You: The Bat Fur Scandals, Goblin-Town Publishing) is considered now to be the classic work on this subject, and a must-read for any interested student of CEC behaviour and physiology.

Aegthil's guide to Northcotton Farms: bobbit flatulence gone wild

I had a very interesting and educational experience the other night, when a group of servants (Erakleon the butler, Shadewick the gardener, and Anarwald the ladies' maid) volunteered to take me around a place called Northcotton Farms, more commonly known as NorthStinky Farms, or NSF.

NSF is located north of the Brandywine River, approximately 15 miles due East of Michael Delving, and is best accessed by riding along the main south road, before turning right at Stock. It is easily found by anyone with a sense of smell, for reasons that will become clear.

First, some background information. As we all know, bobbits love to eat, and they do so indiscriminately, in great quantitites. This has some easily anticipated, but unpleasant, side effects.

• Firstly, they are fat. This is obviously because they eat too much and don't run around enough chasing after monsters and killing them. In fact, it is very rare to see a bobbit running anywhere. Mostly they just waddle.
• Secondly, they are short, because of the gravitational attraction to their stomach (varying, as all good scientists know, in inverse proportion to the density squared).
• Thirdly, their internal digestive systems are designed to handle very large amounts of food with high fat content. This is most obvious in the physiological adaptations to be seen in their lower intestine and colon (discussed in more detail below). 

In normal humans (although not, of course, in rockstars such as myself) the normal digestive process results in the production of excess gases of an odorous nature that can be expelled at regular intervals from the human's ... er.... well... the human's ..... um...... the..... er... well, never mind about exactly where. These gases are mostly sulfites and nitrogenous derivatives, almost entirely non-toxic. There are some rare  exceptions to this, of course. Beorbrand is well known in BBB circles as producing a bowel gas that is derived from dragon plasma, with a virulence and toxicity to match, but this is pretty much the exception rather than the rule. Well, of course Sarasti has problems too, and Anarwald is hardly an angel in the matter of bowel gas, but.... well.... most people who don't play for BBB and who aren't rockstars like myself, will experience only temporary discomfort or embarrassment. Just don't stand in the front row during a BBB concert, you'll be OK.

However, due to the indiscriminate nature of their diet, bobbits' large intestines and colons have developed a Peristaltic Gorge, an organ which lies just underneath their bladder, in close proximity to their  hypothalamic cortex. This Peristaltic Gorge is lined with Virulent Crypt Cells (VCC's) which are adapted to the production of Differentiated Xenite and Hypertrophic gas products, producing a bowel gas that is not only lethally toxic, but also a bright green colour.

Now, this is not necessarily a major problem.  Mostly bobbit flatulence can be avoided. (Just don't stand behind Carica. Ever.)

However, in NSF, it's not so simple. That place is full of virulently endowed bobbits, each surrounded by this nasty green glow of noxious gas, and all out to get you. It's not a nice place at all. You can't avoid it, and you can't survive it. A philosophical conundrum, indeed.

The only known method of survival in NSF is to hold your breath for the entire job. Just don't breath. At all. Run in, kill everything, especially the bobbits, but whatever you do.. DON'T BREATH.

Follow this one simple rule and you'll be fine.

Aegthil's guide to slaying Draigoch

I've often heard it said that Draigoch the Dragon is difficult to kill, that any attempt  requires the hardiest souls, the greatest healers, the most elusive burglars, etc etc,  blah blah blah.

Well, this is all horse turds.

This guy is a piece of cake. A walk in the park. A stroll along the riverbank. You just have to know how to do it. And since I do, I believe it to be my duty to spread the light.

Read on, gentle reader, and let the light of Aegthil's knowledge shine on you. Hallelujah.

Introduction

First note that sometimes people will tell you to do things called "introductory quests". This is just a practical joke. Don't fall for it. If you go and do them all your comrades will be laughing at you behind your back. If someone tries this joke on you, just raise your middle finger and tell them to naff off. The laugh will be on them! Ha Ha Ha!

The entrance

OK, when you first enter Draigoch's den, you hear this deep scary voice talking to you. This deep voice is the Raid Leader, the  person who is paid to do things like pedicure your toenails and make the tea. Mostly Raid Leaders are girls but this Raid Leader is a boy, for obvious reasons.

One thing it's important to realise about the Raid Leader, is that you always have to obey their instructions. So, since the Raid Leader just told you to come on in, and even opened a special hidden door for you, just go right on in. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe.

Now, this next part is tricky, and is best done with your eyes closed. You find yourself  in a maze of twisty passages, all alike, and there are lots of gold coins lying on the floor. If you are in a group you will notice that lots of your comrades will be stopping and starting and stopping and starting. This is so that they can pick up the gold coins.

Bad idea. Really bad idea. Picking up the gold coins brings down the wrath of heaven on your head and you get roasted to a crisp. The Gods don't like thieves, not even bobbit ones. So, don't touch the gold coins.

Of course, it's difficult to resist picking up the gold coins, so it's easiest just to close your eyes and run without looking.

Once you've got to the end of the twisty passages, you go down a staircase to the lower  levels of Draigoch's den. There is also an elevator for the physically disabled, which can be accessed from the middle layer of the twisty passages. However, to operate the elevator you need a special symbol called the Celembrimbor Helm Token. If you're disabled, make sure you come prepared with one of these special Tokens, to make access  easier.


Phase I

Once you reach the lower levels, you enter something called Phase One. In this phase you  have to look for someone with a pink shield on their head. It's not entirely clear why  this person puts a pink shield on their head, but they do, and you have to cope with it,  no matter how fashion challenged it makes them look.

Go and stand close to this person, and put your own shield on your head. This is important. Put. Your. Shield. On.Your. Head. Do it now. If you don't, the Raid Leader will yell at you.

If you don't have a shield then you have a bit of a problem, but in that case it's usually OK to take off your trousers and put them on your head instead. Sometimes it's not, but that complication must be treated on a case-by-case basis. Seek advice from your doctor.

The pink-shield guy will often run around a bit. This is mostly to avoid the nasty body odour coming from the people who are all standing too close to him. If this happens, try a quick application of Dove Men's Care Gentle Skin Deodorant Spray and Facial Cleanser. Either spray on the pink-shield guy or on your neighbour. Either will be effective.


Phase III

Next comes Phase III, which is where some coloured buttons appear on your screen. DON'T  PRESS THE RED BUTTON. That is the self-destruct, so not a good one, at any time. The  choice of button should be based on your outfit colour. If you are wearing Rose, then  the Orange button is always a good choice. If you are trying to be cool and are wearing  black, then don't press any buttons at all.


Phase II

Finally, you enter Phase II, which is when the Raid Leader says to pick a number. It's a special game that Raid Leaders play during dragon fights, in order to increase mental  agility and awareness.

Never pick the number 100. This is what is called a "low" number, without many bonus  points. It is best to pick special numbers called "prime" numbers, which are numbers that are divisible both by 7 and by 12, but not divisible by 4, which is a bad number in  general.

Once you have picked your number, the Raid Leader will give you stuff and the fight is over. If you picked the number that matches the scratch'n sniff card in the chest, then the Raid Leader will give you the Celembrimbor Helm Token. If you're disabled, use this for the elevator (see above). If you're not, this Token can be exchanged for special potions from Beorlich (mushrooms not included, void where prohibited by law).

Congratulations, you have just killed the mighty Draigoch. Pose for a photograph.

Finally, you can now pick up the gold coins lying on the floor. These are appreciated at Madame Celestine's.

Or so I have heard.

Aegthil's guide to Dorf Guardians

I've noticed that my Fool has recently begun a relationship with a dorf guardian (DG), and I have thus been able to observe at close hand the behaviour and habits of this species. Of course, I hasten to add that the relationship between my Fool and the DG is entirely Platonic, and involves no inappropriate physical contact. At least I certainly hope so. My Fool is a fool, no doubt, but surely even he would hesitate before pinching a dorf's bottom.

Please Eru, make it so.

But I digress. I am not here to discuss my Fool disgusting mating habits, but rather to discuss dorf guardians.

Point the first: A dorf guardian actually has to be a dorf. I've noticed many people making this mistake, and trying to pretend that their dorf guardian is actually an elf, or some such poofy race like that. Nope. Can't be done. Elves are wimpy pathetic little piles of horse turd, and wimpy pathetic little piles of horse turd can't be guardians. Obviously, I'm talking only of MALE elves here. Elf ladies, especially the ones that like to party, can be quite a lot of fun, even if not particularly cheap.

Point the second: As a corollary to the first point, a dorf guardian is short, hairy, and above all, ugly. That is ugly with a capital F. Again, I've noticed a lot of wanna-be dorf guardians making this mistake also. They dress in fancy clothes, expensive cloaks, nice hats, shiny shoes, and all that paraphernalia, desperately trying to look good, to look cool, to look as if they really weren't a dorf guardian. But this is merely pissing against the wind. When you're a dorf guardian you are ugly, and there's no point in self-delusion.

Point the third: Dorf Guardians have to use axes. When do you ever see a real dorf guardian with a wimpy-arse little dagger? Or a poncy elvish sword? Never, that's when. Nope. No way. Guardians who use those kinds of instruments are merely opening themselves to ridicule, and I'm happy to oblige. Honestly, a great big hairy ugly dorf guardian holding a wee baby's dagger? I don't think so. Time to grow a pair, Mr. Dorf Guardian, and stop being a girl.

Point the fourth: Dorf Guardians are not girls. This is so obvious I hardly even need to say it, but some people are effectively brain dead. Then they play the pipes. I've noticed this.

Point the fifth: Dorf Guardians have a lot of special attacks that they can use with their manly manly axes. Or possibly their dorfly dorfly axes. But they can only use these special attacks once they get a certain amount of stuff which is called Furiosity. DG's build Furiosity by yelling out special rude words while they are fighting, and possibly by singing special songs. These special rude words are very rude and I can't repeat them here because of my many lady fans with delicate ears, but trust me, they are very rude. The louder you shout these rude words, the more Furiosity you get for your special attacks.

The Special Attacks:

1. One attack is called the Whirling Thunder Strike, and it hits things in front of you with your dorfly dorfly axe. You can only do the Whirling Thunder Strike once you have shouted out a rude word beginning with C, at a medium volume, and then you can whirl and do your thing. The Whirling Thunder Strike only works with axes, not with poncy swords.
2. Another important attack is the Backwards Special Strike, which is well-named, as it does a special strike which goes BEHIND you and gets the goblin that is creeping up from the rear. The BSS requires 7 Furiosity points.
3. If you miss a special strike you get a bonus item called a Loser Mark, and this bonus item can be exchanged at any skirmish vendor to get special Loser Armour that makes your helmet look like a tree.
4. The final special attack that dorf guardians get is the Head Butt. This might sound like an effective method of attack, and it is, but it is an attack of last resort. It mostly involves ramming your head up a goblin's butt, or possibly a troll's butt. You can only use this special Head Butt attack if you have 35 Furiosity points, and are wearing the Loser Armour helmet with the special tree structure on top, as then it's just like trying to jam a pineapple up the backside of pig, which is something most dorf guardians have a lot of experience with.

So, to all you dorf guardians out there, keep practising those special attacks and very soon you'll turn into a dorf super-guardian, which happens at level 43, and is something to look forward to.

And that brings to an end this installment of Aegthil's guides. All financial conributions to Aegthil, c/o Madame Celestine's, Breetown.

Aegthil's Guide to Poverty, Chastity and Humility

As you will all know, my recent epiphany (see previous diary entry) has had a significant effect on my life, and is already garnering an enormous amount of favourable attention.

For example, my new Rose Robe has been widely admired, and even I have come to doubt my previous faith in the power of Black. Once you become a sensitive and deeply caring person (as I now am), and walk around town in a lovely Rose Robe, your eyes are opened to all the petty selfishness that tends to be associated with Black. You see posturing minstrels, preening rogues, self-satisfied warriors, ugly ladies, all dressed to the nines in various incarnations of Black, and all looking just the same.

By trying to stand out from the crowd, they merely make the crowd. The irony is exquisite.

Of course, I was never like them, even in the bad old days, but still. Improvement is never wasted.

However, to get back to the point of this diary entry, I have discovered that I am equally as good at carrying out my vows of Poverty, Chastity and Humility, as I was previously at everything else. And so, as I am now a sensitive and caring person, I want to share my expertise, share my knowledge, and help all my readers along the path to personal enlightenment.


Why take such vows?

If you have to ask this question, you obviously need to take the vows. The answer is so obvious than even a moron like yourself should understand.

If you don't like that answer, well, not my problem.

Poverty

This vow is relatively simple. Poverty means giving all your stuff to band members, leaving nothing at all for yourself, no matter how uncomfortable this makes you, or no matter how much you actually need that stuff yourself to keep yourself warm, or fed, or comfortable, or safe, or out of trouble, or happy, or fulfilled, or occupied, or mentally stable.

I'm not complaining, oh no. I'm very happy to give all my ingots to the nasty piper man, and all my wood logs to Blue, and all my everything else to that disgusting little shortie, Carica, and receiving nothing at all in return. 

I'm very happy to do this because it earns me points for my vows which is an important personal milestone.

Poverty also means having no money, which means that when you need stuff you have to ask band members to get it for you, like fancy swords and things, but this is only right and just. After all, they are your fellow band mates and it should be their goal to help you out in a challenging time. Or any time at all, actually. This makes them feel good, so you get a double benefit.

Chastity

Tricky, but doable, depending on your strict definition of chastity. Strictly speaking, chastity does not include Madame Celestine's Establishment for Young Ladies, as that is a charitable establishment with tax-exempt status, which makes it ineligible to participate in vow-making.

This certainly helps the cause.

But trouble can occur in other ways also, from the crowds of adoring ladies always present to cheer me on and support me in any way necessary. However, I have found a fool-proof way to resist this ever-present temptation. The solution is as follows:

• In all public appearances, try and stand close to some person playing the bagpipes.
• This has a dual effect. Firstly, it makes you look super clever, and super handsome.
• Secondly, the noise emanating from the bagpipes induces nausea in all people within hearing distance, and this decreases other animal urges.
• Thirdly, the smell emanating from the bagpipe player is equally nauseating, and equally discouraging to the amatory arts.

Follow these rules, and you won't go wrong. I haven't gone wrong yet, or at least not very often and only in minor, unimportant ways.

Humility

This is probably the easiest of the three. I have found myself to be equally good at being humble as I am at everything else. There's really not much to it. Here are a few simple lines to learn, that can help you out:

• Hullo Ladies, I'm the humble Aegthil!
• Hey gorgeous, do you find humility sexy? You should! I'm as humble as they come!
• Yo, dickface, if I wasn't so bloody humble I'd bop you on the nose for being such a bloody moron. Not to mention a total incompetent who's not even qualified to wipe his own arse.
• Hey, everybody. We are the famous BBB and I am the humble Aegthil! Listen and admire, peoples, listen and admire.

With regular and repeated use of these, and other similar, lines, you will find that humility comes as naturally as breathing. It's really no big deal.

And that brings to an end this installment of Aegthil's Guides. Thank you all for reading, and I know you'll find my ideas incredibly useful. 

Don't worry, you're in good company!  Everybody loves my guides.

Aegthil's guide to Epic quests: Volume 1.

Now that I have managed to complete every single last one of Volume 1 of the Epic quests, I am finally in a position to share my extensive knowledge about this quest series. I'm nice that way. I like to spread the love.

What are Epic Quests?

Epic quests are special quests that were designed by Sauron, with the specific goal of causing mental instability and illness among the denizens of Middle Earth. They were gestated in the deepest, darkest pits of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom and the Bowels of the Mountain, and were let loose upon an unsuspecting world approximately 17 years ago.

These quests appear first as a simple quest chain, easy to complete, short and relatively pleasant. However, an insidious transformation soon follows, as the chain morphs into a ravening, lethal monster that eats your brain, leaving you a drooling idiot. I admit that, with some people, it's a little difficult to tell (think BBB here), but a thorough medical examination will soon verify the above statement. (Note: anybody who gives a BBB member, including Geoffroi, a medical examination, is advised to undergo a rigorous personal hygeine improvement procedure, using an industrial-strength, super-concentrate disinfectant with active enzymes.)

Contagion

The major reason that Epic quests are so lethal is the extremely high level of contagion. It is estimated that the Reproductive Number, R, of the final epic quest in the series is approximately 300, which is a very big number indeed. Much bigger than lots of other numbers like 2 or 68 or 400. The contagion results from the fact that some epic quests give quest rewards like nice cloaks, or nice hats, or handsome shoes, and when other players see these nice hats and shoes they are seduced, in their turn, into attempting the Epic quests. By this method Epic quests can ravage an entire population in less than a week.

Where do Epic Quests start? The initial infection

Epic quests start in villages close to Bree and spread from there into Bree. Initial infections are characterised by the following series of trips:

• Go to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go to Archet
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Go back to Bree
• Go back to Combe
• Tear out your hair and say a rude word

Once a typical person has been infected by this series the prognosis is not good. Studies show that only 32% of people ever manage to recover, even partially, after being infected.

Where do Epic Quests end? The denouement.

Eventually, as the infection develops, you advance from running between Bree and Combe to travelling between Rivendell and Forochel The Living Hell with side trips to other nasty places. For example, a typical sign of advanced infection is:

• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to Michael Delving
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to Bree
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to Thorin's Hall
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
• Go to Forochel The Living Hell
• Gouge out your eyeballs with a red-hot needle

Eventually, you get to talk to Narmaleth the Teenager EBQ (see earlier diary entry) and then you can chop her hand off when she really annoys you.

Finally, it all ends, and you get given a goat as a present. Woo. Very exciting. Well, I exaggerate. Not very exciting really. But at least you know that the infection is over, you have passed through the eye of the needle, you have survived the purifying fire, and you are now a better person.

Amen.

Aegthil's Skirmish Guides: Trouble in Tookborough

My very first skirmish guide on how to save Bree was a huge success, even to the extent that I had members of my kinship asking me how they also could access its priceless information. I was happy to oblige Harperella, and I am sure that her skirmish experience has dramatically improved since. You're welcome, you're very welcome indeed. I like to be of service.

Now, since bobbit control is a major problem in general (think of Bluebonnett and the Buggerydoos), I thought I would contribute to the debate by a detailed discussion of the skirmish where you have to save the Tooks. Or something like that.

Question: What is this skirmish?

Answer: It's the one where you have to save the bobbits. Apparently the Tooks have been taken over by goblins and it's your job to sort them out. The goblins, that is. I think. Possibly the Tooks.

Question: Which skirmish helper should I use?

Answer: This is easy. Use your herb provider. Skirmishes can be a highly stressful experience, and your herb provider is skilled in a variety of measures that are guaranteed to relieve stress and improve your overall karma and spiritual aura. Their herbs are all medically certified for this use, and are guaranteed to be legal, as long as you don't inhale, which of course you wouldn't do anyway, would you? Any other skirmish services may also relieve stress although they do not always come with a medical certificate.

Question: Why should I care about saving the Tooks anyway?

Answer: This is a very good question, and gets at the heart of what makes a successful skirmish soldier. The fact is that you don't actually care about the Tooks at all. They're bobbits. Your emotions must remain uninvolved as you turn yourself into a ruthless, cold-hearted, efficient killing machine.

Question: How can I tell the difference between the goblins and the bobbits?

Answer: You can't. They all look the same. But it doesn't matter. Just kill any small things you see.

Question: What are all these little holes in the ground with little doors?

Answer: These are bobbit latrines, so don't go in them.

Question: Where do the bobbits live?

Answer: Bobbits live inside their latrines I think, which is the reason they have doors. These are holes in the ground, but much smaller than Moria, which is essentially a big hole in the ground where dwarves live.

Question: If the dwarves can dig a really big hole like Moria, and bobbits are about the same size as dwarfs, why can't bobbits dig big holes too?

Answer: The latest, and most compelling, theory is to do with size of certain regions of bobbit and dwarf brains. The hipplocampular fundamentus is the region of a dwarf brain that controls appetite and promotes the digging reflexes. In bobbits, who naturally have much smaller brains, the hippolcemplar fandamental is a lot smaller, which is why they eat a lot and cannot dig big holes.

Question: Well, yeah, but Moria is HUGE and bobbit holes are TINY.

Answer: Yep.

Question: What do I do with these flagpoles?

Answer: Whatever you do, don't touch the flagpoles. They are surrounded by fancy glittering lights to make them look attractive, but this is nothing but a goblin trap. If you touch those flagpoles you get immediately attacked by reinforcements, including goblin leaders, and other bobbits come out of the latrine doors to attack you as well. It's a very bad scene. Don't touch the flagpoles.

Question: How do I know when I've saved the Tooks?

Answer: Well, you don't really, but then you don't care either. At any rate, eventually you come to a blocked gate, which is blocked because the Tooks don't want you trespassing on their land. When this happens it's safe to talk to your herb provider and go home.

Question: What is the best way for me to show my appreciation for your wonderful skirmish guides?

Answer: Thank you for asking. It depends on your gender and race. If you are a human female, or a fairly broad-minded female elf, then talk to Madame Celestine, who will provide guidance. Otherwise, send cash to

Aegthil of Gondor

2 High Road

Dunroamin'

Bree Homesteads

Aegthil's Skirmish Guides: The Bree Raid Skirmish

Back by popular demand, I bring you the next installment of my famous guides. My Tailoring Guide was an enormous hit, and rightly so; now I am delighted to bring you a guide to skirmishes. Guaranteed to have the same unique perspective and insightful comments that you all have come to love.

Skirmishes. Right. Here we go.

Figure 1. Always ask your kinship for advice.

Let's start from the beginning. The first thing to learn about skirmishes is that you get a little servant who will do whatever you ask him (or her!) to do. This has enormous possibilities. But a decision is needed, as you have to choose what kind of servant you want. Some of them are males and carry heavy things like swords, while others are female and provide you with herbal assistance (see Figure 1 for details). Quite frankly, the choice is obvious. The herb provider is kind of cute (see later) and provides all sorts of services in addition to herbs. Your tastes may vary of course, so feel free to get yourself a male herb provider if you prefer.

Once you have your herb provider you then have to choose a skirmish to do. I'm going to start with a Raid Skirmish, as they are the best ones to start with.

To get into your Raid Skirmish you talk to your herb provider. This can be done at almost any time, except really early in the morning. Personally, I don't mind morning breath on my herb provider, but some people find this a little off-putting and prefer to clean their teeth first before discussing additional skirmish services.

Remember, always use skirmish protection when asking for skirmish services from your herb provider. If you're unsure of how to get suitable protection, then consult my Tailoring Guide, which can be found ... um ... never mind about that. Tailors are expert at the construction of suitable skirmish protection, which can in fact be used multiple times as long as you're not too squeamish. I think they use bat fur for this.

Figure 2. Ask a smelly bagpipe player.

Before talking to your herb provider, consult a friend, and enlist them to help. Often Raid Skirmishes are better done in pairs, as the conversation is a lot better that way. Your herb provider, although useful in many many varied and interesting ways, is not a good conversationalist. She doesn't have to be. If you can't find a friend, or a nice non-stinky person to join the Raid Skirmish with you, a bagpipe player will do instead (Figure 2).

OK, now you're pretty much all set. You've got your herb provider, who should be at level 2 by now, and your cannon fodder (the bagpipe player).

You now head into the instance. It can be a bit difficult to find the entrance, and sometimes you need to look around for a bit, so we just went into the Bree Skirmish Raid, as that was a nice easy one to find, making it good for beginners.

When you enter the Bree Skirmish Raid there is some guy on the ground whining and moaning about stuff, but just ignore him.

Figure 3. Complementary outfits are important

Now, make sure your herb provider is ready and waiting to assist you, and that she (or he) is properly dressed (Figure 3). As you can see from the picture, this is not always easy. Because of my experience and artistic talent, I have managed to dress my herb provider properly, in a lovely blue outfit that complements the outfit that Apple-Sherie got for me. My bagpipe player, unfortunately lacks this same knowledge and fashion awareness, and his herb provider has some nasty red robe thing on; this is just not a good statement.

The next step is to go out the gate by the whining man and kill the baddies. This is pretty easy, so I probably don't need to go into too much detail. Once you have saved the town you get a special Raid Skirmish award, which is a little medal thing on a ribbon, presented by a lady with a short skirt and blond hair. I suspect the blond was artificial. Maybe the legs were, too, but I'm less sure about that. They felt real.

Figure 4. Saying goodbye.

Anyway, that's all there is to the Bree Raid Skirmish. Say goodbye to your companion and take your Raid Skirmish Award back to your herb provider. Mostly my companions say how fun it was to talk to me, and how it was a real pleasure to meet me, that kind of thing (Figure 4). I can understand this, but not everybody will have the same experience, so don't be disappointed if your companion just leaves without saying anything. It will take time for you to improve your personality to the level of mine, but when at first you don't succeed, try and try again. That's the spirit.

You can trade your Raid Skirmish Award for special favours from your herb provider, or for special herbs. Personally, I recommend the special favours, as Beorlich does a great deal on very special herbs, while you wouldn't really want him to provide any other special favours.

So, that's all from me, for this installment of Aegthil's Skirmish Guides. Happy hunting to you all, and I hope you all have many happy hours with your herb provider.

Aegthil's guide to legendary things for Minstrels

I have now reached the exalted rank of 51. Very impressive, I hear you say, and you would be right. And this exalted rank comes with the ability to wield things called legendary weapons.

Now, in case you don't know what a legendary weapon is, it's a special kind of weapon that comes with a legend attached to it, as in something untrue and probably defamatory. My special weapon, which happens to be a sword, was named by Beor as the Sword of Clapping, which might be untrue and is certainly defamatory (hint: the name doesn't refer to the act of striking one's hands together to make a sound). The associated legend is something about Apple-Sherie but I haven't enquired into the details. You shouldn't either, particularly if your name is Wrenaya or if you have a sensitive disposition, or both. Or, come to think of it, if your name is Ashmara, either. Or Delna. Or.. well, never mind.

Anyway, the system for legendary weapons is usually thought to be very complicated, but actually it's all very simple. First you get the weapon, then you identify it by taking it to an Identifier Person, and then you pick it up and kill stuff with it. There are other details such as relics and things, but these are unimportant and don't make any difference to how good you look.

I tried equipping various relicy sorts of things - one was a buckle I seem to remember - but I couldn't notice any difference at all in audience responses in the I-Love-Aegthil surveys (conducted by the Official Statistics Department of the Bree Mayoral Office). This is scientific proof that relics on legendary weapons make no difference at all; this, by itself, should be useful information to the entire Middle-Earth community and should help to prevent people wasting their precious time and money on unimportant things.

I also was given some sort of Minstrel legendary book thingy, but that seems to be of even less use than relics. It has only a very limited effect when you hit things with it, and some of the songs in it are Shire Country Music, which is not just offensive, it's scary. So I just don't see the point. On the other hand, I can certainly believe that the best way to kill a baddie is to sing him (or her) a Shire Country song. It is amazing how much damage can be done by a simple three-chord strum behind a cliche melody and tear-jerking lyrics. Just listen to my Fool's music, you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, it's not like I need to read music or anything, as I am a firm believer in the art of improvisation, so it's probably best just not to bother with that legendary book thing.

Aegthil's guide to looking sexy

Poor Jeta was a bit concerned about her looks the other night. So, as a public service, here are a few useful tips to help out all those struggling with personal appearance issues.

1. First, note that my Fool isn't writing this guide. There is a reason for this. Nobody would ever ask my Fool advice on how to look good. Ever. He knows absolutely nothing about this kind of thing, which you can tell at a glance. A very short glance. He could write a pretty good guide about how to look like a fat, balding, smelly old man, but that's about it.

2. Shave your head. Baldness is super-handsome. No, really, it is. Just look at me and you'll soon realise the truth of this statement.

3. Play a musical instrument, except the bagpipes. Don't play the bagpipes, they make you look like a total moron. My Fool doesn't actually pay the bagpipes, but he manages to look like a total moron anyway, which is pretty hard to do if you're playing a real musical instrument.

4. Play any other musical instrument. Say the theorbo. Flutes and clarinets are not great as you have to blow into them and this puffs your cheeks out, making you look a bit silly.

5. If you want to look manly, horns are OK as they are manly manly instruments and clearly anybody playing a horn has a high testosterone level, even if their cheeks are puffed out. This is pretty obvious, really. Try to avoid girly instruments like the viol, or the violin. Lutes are borderline.

6. If you want the converse, then play the viol, or maybe the harp. I think you have to have blonde hair to play the harp, but I'm not entirely sure on that one.

7. Wear black. No other colour is acceptable.

8. Don't wear boots to a dance. If you do this, beautiful ladies will sneer at your footware. I discovered this fact, at immense personal cost.

9. Say nice things to all the ladies, even if their dresses are really hideous and vile. For example, "Greetings, lovely lady, you are looking most radiantly beautiful tonight." Practise in front of a mirror so that you can say this with a straight face, no matter what she really looks like. Another good expression is "That is such a lovely dress you are wearing, and it makes you look extremely attractive. May I have the name of your tailor?" If she doesn't slap your face, then follow this with "Can I buy you a drink?". I'm not quite sure what to do next, as I've never reached the third stage, but people who ought to know tell me that the next step might be dinner. Or maybe chocolates.

10. Don't shave too often. Stubble is really sexy and it also takes less time.

11. Wash regularly.

12. Trim your nostril hairs.

Aegthil's guide to Tailoring

My Fool has noticed that there are a whole bunch of guides to various things in Middle Earth. Guides for this, for that, for whatever you want, really, but a lot of them are totally incomprehensible, and probably full of arrant nonsense.

He wanted to write a guide himself, telling people how to do stuff. I vetoed this idea, as my Fool is a fool, not to mention an ignoramus. He doesn't know anything about anything, so how could he possibly write a guide? Exactly. He can't. You know it, I know it.

So I told my Fool not to worry. I will write the guides for you, I said. Fortunately, I am extremely talented at many, many things, and so writing a guide is easy peasy for me.

I thought I would start with a guide to Tailoring, as this is a crafting profession that is often misunderstood.



Introduction: Tailors make stuff

This is not always obvious, but it's true. Tailors can make all kinds of cloaks and shoulder pads and armor and shoes and hats. That kind of thing. Once they get really good they can make plate armour from cotton cloth but I haven't quite reached the highest levels so the details are a mite hazy. It seems rather unlikely, but this information comes from a reliable source.

Tools

Tailors use special tools, called Tailor Tools. I've always thought that to be a good descriptive name. This is a box which contains needles and thread, as well as a thimble and an instruction manual. You have to purchase one of these special boxes from a Tailor expert person, but it only costs about 1 gold, which is very cheap if you think about all the benefits that will accrue.

I got my own special Tailor Tools from a nice expert Tailor man outside the Dancing Goat, in Bree. At first I thought that 1 gold was a bit pricy for a few needles and a thimble, but this nice man was able to prove, quite conclusively, that it's an excellent long-term investment. And he was so right. For only one gold you get to make your own shoes and hats! For your lifetime! That is a serious savings, right there, just in shoes and hats.

Ingredients

To make Tailor stuff, you need to collect hides and leather. This is a relatively complicated process so listen carefully.

Again, you first need a special tool, called a skinning knife, which you can also buy from a Tailor expert person. They cost quite a bit less than the Tailor Tools, only around 800 silver. If you buy both the Tailor Tools and the skinning knife in a job lot you will likely get a discount, depending on your reputation. Usually around 42%. For example, I only paid 2 gold 200 silver for both items, which comes out to be a discount of exactly 59%. Pretty impressive, really.

Of course, most people won't get a bargain like that. I only got it because the nice Tailor person outside the Dancing Goat had listened to some of my latest songs, and was a real fan. I signed his autograph book.

OK, now once you've got your skinning knife, you have to go out and kill stuff like trolls and bats. Stuff with hides. Once they're dead, you take your knife and skin them to get a hide. Your pack can hold quite a few hides at once, but it's best not to collect too many before you convert them to leather. Uncured hides will smell nasty. Best to keep your backpack odor free. That nasty rotting hide smell can get into other stuff, like your gig clothes or your potions, and it's very difficult to get rid of.

Now that you've got some hides, you go to a special workbench to turn your hides into leather. These workbenches can be found in most towns and camping places and are always close to running water, for sanitary reasons.

Making hides into leather

This is where things get really tricky. 

It takes 17 hides to make one piece of medium leather, but only 12 hides to make a piece of light leather. To make exceptional leather you need only 5 hides, but you also need 7 pieces of light leather and 3 pieces of medium leather.

For example, to make 3 pieces of exceptional leather you need 15 pieces of light leather (i.e., 22 hides) and 9 pieces of medium leather (i.e., 24 hides) and an additional 5 hides because it's exceptional. 

This is a total of 78 hides for one piece of exceptional leather. So you can see Tailors need to kill a lot of trolls and bats.

Making leather into stuff

Finally, you take this leather you just made, and turn it into stuff like hats and shoes. It's a very straightforward process, and there's really only one thing to watch out for here. If you use some sort of thread to make the hat it turns into what's called a "medium hat" which lots of people can't wear, even if they look very good in it. But if you use a piece of cloth you get what's called a "light hat" which minstrels like me can wear.

If you use both cloth and thread you get a "heavy hat" which is a sort of combination of light and medium hats.

The same principle applies to making shoes.

Also, I've heard that there are special ingredients you can use to make "special medium hats" or "special light hats". These special ingredients are things like brimstone and raspberries and other stuff you can collect while out killing trolls and bats. I've never managed to get this special thing to work, though, so I suspect it might not be real, just a rumour.

Conclusions

Tailoring is a useful and profitable crafting profession. Don't worry about messing up your first tries. We all mess up at first. Well, except me, of course, but then not everybody can be like me.

So, if at first you don't succeed, try and try again. When you are walking around in some lovely hat and shoes that you made yourself, it will all be worthwhile.

Take pride in your appearance. Be a Tailor.