Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Aegthil's guide to Northcotton Farms: bobbit flatulence gone wild

I had a very interesting and educational experience the other night, when a group of servants (Erakleon the butler, Shadewick the gardener, and Anarwald the ladies' maid) volunteered to take me around a place called Northcotton Farms, more commonly known as NorthStinky Farms, or NSF.

NSF is located north of the Brandywine River, approximately 15 miles due East of Michael Delving, and is best accessed by riding along the main south road, before turning right at Stock. It is easily found by anyone with a sense of smell, for reasons that will become clear.

First, some background information. As we all know, bobbits love to eat, and they do so indiscriminately, in great quantitites. This has some easily anticipated, but unpleasant, side effects.

  • Firstly, they are fat. This is obviously because they eat too much and don't run around enough chasing after monsters and killing them. In fact, it is very rare to see a bobbit running anywhere. Mostly they just waddle.
  • Secondly, they are short, because of the gravitational attraction to their stomach (varying, as all good scientists know, in inverse proportion to the density squared).
  • Thirdly, their internal digestive systems are designed to handle very large amounts of food with high fat content. This is most obvious in the physiological adaptations to be seen in their lower intestine and colon (discussed in more detail below). 
In normal humans (although not, of course, in rockstars such as myself) the normal digestive process results in the production of excess gases of an odorous nature that can be expelled at regular intervals from the human's ... er.... well... the human's ..... um...... the..... er... well, never mind about exactly where. These gases are mostly sulfites and nitrogenous derivatives, almost entirely non-toxic. There are some rare  exceptions to this, of course. Beorbrand is well known in BBB circles as producing a bowel gas that is derived from dragon plasma, with a virulence and toxicity to match, but this is pretty much the exception rather than the rule. Well, of course Sarasti has problems too, and Anarwald is hardly an angel in the matter of bowel gas, but.... well.... most people who don't play for BBB and who aren't rockstars like myself, will experience only temporary discomfort or embarrassment. Just don't stand in the front row during a BBB concert, you'll be OK.

However, due to the indiscriminate nature of their diet, bobbits' large intestines and colons have developed a Peristaltic Gorge, an organ which lies just underneath their bladder, in close proximity to their  hypothalamic cortex. This Peristaltic Gorge is lined with Virulent Crypt Cells (VCC's) which are adapted to the production of Differentiated Xenite and Hypertrophic gas products, producing a bowel gas that is not only lethally toxic, but also a bright green colour.

Now, this is not necessarily a major problem.  Mostly bobbit flatulence can be avoided. (Just don't stand behind Carica. Ever.)

However, in NSF, it's not so simple. That place is full of virulently endowed bobbits, each surrounded by this nasty green glow of noxious gas, and all out to get you. It's not a nice place at all. You can't avoid it, and you can't survive it. A philosophical conundrum, indeed.

The only known method of survival in NSF is to hold your breath for the entire job. Just don't breath. At all. Run in, kill everything, especially the bobbits, but whatever you do.. DON'T BREATH.

Follow this one simple rule and you'll be fine.


  1. What? The city-boy can't handle a visit to the farm with all the pigs and goats and bobbits? Did you go on cabbage stew night?

    I bet!

    And remember, natural gas is a clean and renewable energy source! I'm literally sitting on a gold mine!



  2. I don't know what you're talking about. My gas smells like bilberries and pie crust!

    That aside, Northcotton Farm is located in Evendim, west of Oatbarton. Turning 'right' on Stock would lead you south to Bamfurlong and Farmer Maggot! Clearly you must've been smoking your own gas!

  3. Right at Stock coming from Buckland, I believe the bard must have meant. Also, ew.