Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Aegthil's Guide to Meeting Cute Elf Chicks

The Great River. The beginning quests. A sad, sad story that tears your heartstrings.

That poor Smelly Horse-Rider Man Person. He's gone and fallen in love with a nasty elf chick, and she just told him to get lost as she's way too busy whirling numchucks around her head and throwing little pointy star things.

Now, Mr. Smelly Horse-Rider Man Person, you're doing it all wrong. You need advice from an expert. You need advice from the famous Aegthil of Gondor. That's me*.  So listen up, boyo.

Location, location, location

It's all in the location. If you want to meet Cute Elf Chicks, don't go to the Great River. That part of the world is full of dirty barbarous peoples (well, much like yourself. Go figure.) who smell of horse turds and eat hay, and any decent elf chick worth her salt is going to be somewhere else. Anywhere else, I imagine.

The only elf chicks you're ever going to find in the Great River are ones with numchucks and pointy star things. Dressed all in black and looking vicious. The only thing they look at you for is to determine the best kill point.

So, where do you go? That's easy. You go to CEC parties. Mostly in Rivendell, although there are often significant CEC parties in Bree also, in the back rooms of the Dancing Goat. (The legality of the Dancing Goat back room parties is still a somewhat thorny issue, but if you keep an exit free at all times you should be reasonably safe.)

CEC parties

To get to CEC parties you need to be invited. You need to be part of the cool crowd. You need to be hip. You need to be sexy. This is easy to achieve.

Step 1. Shave your head.
Step 2. Play the theorbo.
Step 3.   ...oh no... wait. That's all you need. Forget about step 3.

Third Base

Meeting a CEC at a CEC party is essentially equivalent to getting to first base (using the common parlance). To get right to third base (CECs have no second base in general) follow these simple Do's and Don'ts.


  • Use small words and simple concepts. 
  • Be direct. 
  • Be honest. (Or not. Whichever works best. Experiment.) 
  • Play the theorbo. I may have mentioned this already.

  • Chew garlic
  • Play the bagpipes
  • Work out in the gym first and then go without a shower, whilst wearing yesterday's underwear.
  • Approach the one wearing trousers, even if he does look like a girl.

Well, that's all from the CEC expert. Good luck, Mr. Smelly Horse-Rider Man Person. Follow my rules, you won't go wrong. Invite me to your wedding.

* The author of this article is well-known internationally for his extensive experience with CECs. He has published over 200 peer-reviewed articles in this area, with a citation rate of 15.8 index points, and a p-index of 324, and has been an invited speaker at every major international CEC conference. His latest book (Cute Elf Chicks and You: The Bat Fur Scandals, Goblin-Town Publishing) is considered now to be the classic work on this subject, and a must-read for any interested student of CEC behaviour and physiology.


  1. Oh dear. Ha. Ha.

    Does the p-index represent how skilled the author is at pissing other people off, by chance?


    Now that you've revealed your secrets on CEC's, they'll never give you the time of day. Just stab yourself with a pointed star, next time. At least you'll always have the dorf ladies to turn to.


  2. As a CEC I found it quite hard to not laugh out loud at this entry to Aegthil's Guides. However I do agree with items one and three of the dont's list. I'm not so sure about item 4 of the do list. I'm quite partial to lute players myself.