Saturday, June 30, 2012

Aegthil's Cosmetic Lotro

Poor old Cosmetic Lotro claims to be running out of ideas. Oh dear. Well, never one to refuse assistance when assistance is required, I step into the breach and present my very own Aegthil's Cosmetic Lotro.

And since a picture is worth a thousand words, which is a lot, here goes.

Ladies love it when Aegthil does his little hand clap thing. Very sexy!

Check out that butt, girls! Try not to faint. But if you do, Aegthil might revive you with a special kiss. Oooooh! Lucky ladies!

But, sadness. Every outfit comes with its own set of problems, and this one is no exception.

Here's Aegthil doing some running repairs, and getting himself comfortable. Wouldn't YOU just love to help him? I bet you would!

Well, that brings to an end this installment of Aegthil's Cosmetic Lotro. Until next week, boys and girls, and make sure you have a fun fun time.

Chest: A cheeky little rose number, with a tip-top pattern on the back. Very nice.
Butt: Woo Hoo. Oh yeah, you just gotta love those rose hotpants. Available from every high-class store near you. And are they hot? You don't need me to tell you that. Don't touch, ladies! You might get burned!
Hands: Some sort of leather glove thingies.
Shoulders: Hmmm... very broad. I just love that.
Shoes: Rose boots. You just can't beat that colour, can you? It never goes out of fashion, and it goes with everything!

Monday, June 25, 2012

A week in the life

Yet another wonderful week in the life of the famous Aegthil. That's me. Well, not all that wonderful to be perfectly honest, but certainly a week. And not so very bad, either.

Most importantly, I got the dance move. The cool one. The happening one. The one you get from those smelly tattooed barbarians in Enedwaith. And now I can look even better on the dance floor. I already looked good, I know, I know, you don't have to say it, but now I will look even better. Watch out ladies, Aegthil the Dance Champ is here.

I have also fallen in love with a pair of pink hotpants. Leggings of the Unseen, apparently, they are called. Because, as Sarasti says, once they are seen they can never be unseen and therefore you should really walk around with your eyes closed. Why oh why are they available only to burglars and only for the ridiculous price of OVER NINE THOUSAND commisariat points or whatever they are called? It's not right. It's not fair.

But I will have them. I will get them. I will be seen walking around Bree in tiny little shorty pink shorts with sort of ballet dancer tight thingies over my sexy knees. Some day it will happen. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not next week. But it will happen.

And when it does you will see a sight to behold. A super sexy bald man, dressed in tiny tight little pink shorts, laying down the dance magic for the ladies.

Oh yeah. I know you can hardly wait.

In other news, I was defeated and ran away four times in the Limlight Gorge because Melanie would not come to save me. Well, it was close to four times anyway, although I wasn't actually strictly defeated, not as such. But she should have come anyway. I was heartbroken and wept bitter tears. Talk about ingratitude. She'd be nothing without me. I taught her all she knows. In a manner of speaking. To make up for this, though, the Lady Chastity Belt showed up at the weekly BBB concert, to much acclaim. Well, OK, that was exaggerated, too. There wasn't any acclaim at all, and certainly not for the Lady Chastity Belt (of all people!) but she was indeed there.

More interestingly, I received an enquiry from a person (whom I don't know at all) asking why I no longer write any articles for the Landroval Times. I pointed out to this person that my LT articles caused such offense to so many people that I was no longer able to post them anywhere without having them immediately deleted. I rather thought that was the whole point of a Celebrity Gossip Column, myself. I mean, does one really read The News of the World for its intellectual and informed content? Possibly not.

I've been tempted a number of times to resume, but have resisted. I have to say that the thought of being required to explain, yet again, to the Noble Lady Harperella (NLH), why a member of the Lonely Mountain Band is responsible, yet again, for the departure of another 50 sensitive souls from Middle-Earth, is not a thought I relish. That NLH is a scary chick, I'm telling you.

But I ramble. I must get back to earning Commissariat RAtion Points. I need those hotpants.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Aegthil's Guide to Weatherstock

What is Weatherstock?

Good question. Weatherstock is this huge gathering where lots of people gather so that they can get free weed and booze from the Lonely Mountain Band. It happens every few months (see below). Bobbit vendors dressed in yellow outfits train for months before each gathering, building up their teeny tiny muscles so that they can carry large quantities of booze, pies and weed for distribution.

People come from miles around to attend the event. Well, doh, of course they do. Free booze and weed? What's not to like?

Who are the Lonely Mountain Band?

Officially they are something called a kinship, which means that they are all closely genetically related and inbred. Now, this might seem a minor point until you realise that Beorbrand is a member of the Lonely Mountain Band, and then you realise that the LMB is a group of people who are genetically closely related to Beorbrand, and probably inbred with his goats. Or possibly some LMB members are kind of like Beorbrand/Carica/Bluebonnett genetic mixes, with maybe a little Anarwald/Sarasti added to the pot. At this point, you realise just how scary the LMB really is. Every so often you get a bright star shining from out of the depths of the LMB, a bright star that disproves everything that is commonly thought about such inbred and genetically unvarying populations, a bright star like, say.... um..... like..... er.....  well, actually, never mind about the bright star. Let's just move on.

Why does the LMB give out free booze and weed?

This isn't known for certain, although noted scientists have proposed some plausible theories. The most commonly accepted theory is that the free booze and weed makes it easier for the members of the LMB to get lucky with the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever), and thus Weatherstock is in fact an evolutionary adaptation to the sad fact that the LMB is really just a bunch of losers.

Personally, I couldn't possibly comment.

Did you get lucky with that cute blonde?

Next question please. A gentleman never tells.

Is there music as well?

No, not usually, at least nothing important. Every so often you get a band-like entity on the little rock stage but that never lasts for long and nobody listens to them anyway. One notable exception was a group calling themselves "Please Fondle Me, Frodo". Everybody listened to them, but that was only because they weren't actually playing music, but mostly making stupid jokes instead. Anyway, they have a terrible name, because, quite frankly, Frodo is nothing but a bloody whiner and I wouldn't want to have him fondle me, that's for sure. The fact that this group of individuals actually wants to be fondled by a bobbit is kind of scary, although not really all that surprising once you get to know them. Not that I did, I hasten to add. 

Note that, to my sure and certain knowledge, there has never been a band called "Don't Tempt Me, You Cute Elvish Chick". For pretty obvious reasons, really.

Where is Weatherstock?

Not a good question. It's at Weatherstock of course, you moron.

When is Weatherstock?

Official advertising claims that Weatherstock happens only once a year but this is false. It actually happens once every few months, but LMB members just smoke so much weed that their short-term memory is completely shot, and they simply can't remember when the last Weatherstock was. Most of them can barely remember their own names.

Who organises Weatherstock?

Nobody, really. It's pretty much a total shambles. What on earth do you expect when you get a bunch of genetically inbred dope-heads to organise a party? However, I suppose if you had to mention someone, it's probably Tinki who is the main boss.. er... bobbit. At least, she's the one who seems to be in charge of distributing the booze and the weed. She is easily identified by her yellow hat, which typically stands at about knee level. She's a bobbit, which explains the level reduction relative to normality. If you give Tinki a special tip she has been known to provide other services. Don't tip, is my advice.

What does "Weatherstock" mean?

The word "Weatherstock" is from the Elvish "Weatherdunie sinya Stockilala" which means "Hill of Bright Streaming Water under Gentle Rainbows on a Sunny Spring Morn". Elvish names really are crap.

Why are all the horses walking funny?

Yeah, I've noticed this too. Weird, huh? My theory is that it's because of Beorbrand. Don't ask.