Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Aegthil's Guide to Weatherstock

What is Weatherstock?

Good question. Weatherstock is this huge gathering where lots of people gather so that they can get free weed and booze from the Lonely Mountain Band. It happens every few months (see below). Bobbit vendors dressed in yellow outfits train for months before each gathering, building up their teeny tiny muscles so that they can carry large quantities of booze, pies and weed for distribution.

People come from miles around to attend the event. Well, doh, of course they do. Free booze and weed? What's not to like?

Who are the Lonely Mountain Band?

Officially they are something called a kinship, which means that they are all closely genetically related and inbred. Now, this might seem a minor point until you realise that Beorbrand is a member of the Lonely Mountain Band, and then you realise that the LMB is a group of people who are genetically closely related to Beorbrand, and probably inbred with his goats. Or possibly some LMB members are kind of like Beorbrand/Carica/Bluebonnett genetic mixes, with maybe a little Anarwald/Sarasti added to the pot. At this point, you realise just how scary the LMB really is. Every so often you get a bright star shining from out of the depths of the LMB, a bright star that disproves everything that is commonly thought about such inbred and genetically unvarying populations, a bright star like, say.... um..... like..... er.....  well, actually, never mind about the bright star. Let's just move on.

Why does the LMB give out free booze and weed?

This isn't known for certain, although noted scientists have proposed some plausible theories. The most commonly accepted theory is that the free booze and weed makes it easier for the members of the LMB to get lucky with the opposite sex (or the same sex, whatever), and thus Weatherstock is in fact an evolutionary adaptation to the sad fact that the LMB is really just a bunch of losers.

Personally, I couldn't possibly comment.

Did you get lucky with that cute blonde?

Next question please. A gentleman never tells.

Is there music as well?

No, not usually, at least nothing important. Every so often you get a band-like entity on the little rock stage but that never lasts for long and nobody listens to them anyway. One notable exception was a group calling themselves "Please Fondle Me, Frodo". Everybody listened to them, but that was only because they weren't actually playing music, but mostly making stupid jokes instead. Anyway, they have a terrible name, because, quite frankly, Frodo is nothing but a bloody whiner and I wouldn't want to have him fondle me, that's for sure. The fact that this group of individuals actually wants to be fondled by a bobbit is kind of scary, although not really all that surprising once you get to know them. Not that I did, I hasten to add. 

Note that, to my sure and certain knowledge, there has never been a band called "Don't Tempt Me, You Cute Elvish Chick". For pretty obvious reasons, really.

Where is Weatherstock?

Not a good question. It's at Weatherstock of course, you moron.

When is Weatherstock?

Official advertising claims that Weatherstock happens only once a year but this is false. It actually happens once every few months, but LMB members just smoke so much weed that their short-term memory is completely shot, and they simply can't remember when the last Weatherstock was. Most of them can barely remember their own names.

Who organises Weatherstock?

Nobody, really. It's pretty much a total shambles. What on earth do you expect when you get a bunch of genetically inbred dope-heads to organise a party? However, I suppose if you had to mention someone, it's probably Tinki who is the main boss.. er... bobbit. At least, she's the one who seems to be in charge of distributing the booze and the weed. She is easily identified by her yellow hat, which typically stands at about knee level. She's a bobbit, which explains the level reduction relative to normality. If you give Tinki a special tip she has been known to provide other services. Don't tip, is my advice.

What does "Weatherstock" mean?

The word "Weatherstock" is from the Elvish "Weatherdunie sinya Stockilala" which means "Hill of Bright Streaming Water under Gentle Rainbows on a Sunny Spring Morn". Elvish names really are crap.

Why are all the horses walking funny?

Yeah, I've noticed this too. Weird, huh? My theory is that it's because of Beorbrand. Don't ask. 


  1. I wish you posted that guide earlier! I'm lost at here!

  2. Lies and slander against my goats and kinsmen, all of it! You in-bred, dope-headed, two-bit, audacious, pooferjellied, gob-smacking twit!

    Duuuuuuuuuude...... what?

    Honestly, those little yellow bobbits are monkly saints, with all that special upper-body strength and superb ability to deny their own need for pie, ale, and pipeweed. I heard they recruit them from reformed hungry bobbbits.

    True story.

    At least I know where 'Weatherstock' came from now, and you really shouldn't talk about the horses that way.

    By the way, you're dead.


  3. pooferjellied? I've no idea what that means but it is clearly accurate with regard to the idiot who made the original post.

  4. O, how I love the wonderfully crafted words you always write, Aegthil. They are real poetry.

    like: "Weatherstock is this huge gathering where lots of people gather"

    Simple and clear. So well said. And the sublime rhythm within that sentence get's me going. Pure beauty, makes you want to dance and sing it. And you can even feel the stresses of that sentence right down there in your stomach. O, the bittersweet pain it gives. Just wonderful.

  5. Thanks for the mention, grandpa.

  6. At least we are a good-looking bunch of losers! Thanks to this gen... gin-ate-ical mix (whatever it means) which includes me.
    Goats are cute too.

    - S.

  7. I'll have you know that we hobbits do *not* have teeny tiny muscles -- we regularly train by running around the Shire carrying pies, trying to hide them at our holes before our neighbors discover that we've tak...er...borrowed them. No, the rigorous months of training prior to Weatherstock was so that we could curb the temptation to drink all of the ale provided to us to vend during the event. I'll also have you know that I have no idea where all of that extra ale went to after the event. Perhaps Frodo or maybe the goats drank it?


  8. Yeah, Geoffroi. Pooferjellied? That sprang from some dismal dark recess of BB's brain. Whatever it means.

    And as for being simple and clear, I write for my audience which includes bobbits like Floradine. Small heads means small brains which requires short and simple sentences with as much repeating and repetitive repetition as possible.

    It's a skill.

    Any rumours that I am a grandfather are wildly exaggerated.