Yet another wonderful week in the life of the famous Aegthil. That's me. Well, not all that wonderful to be perfectly honest, but certainly a week. And not so very bad, either.
Most importantly, I got the dance move. The cool one. The happening one. The one you get from those smelly tattooed barbarians in Enedwaith. And now I can look even better on the dance floor. I already looked good, I know, I know, you don't have to say it, but now I will look even better. Watch out ladies, Aegthil the Dance Champ is here.
I have also fallen in love with a pair of pink hotpants. Leggings of the Unseen, apparently, they are called. Because, as Sarasti says, once they are seen they can never be unseen and therefore you should really walk around with your eyes closed. Why oh why are they available only to burglars and only for the ridiculous price of OVER NINE THOUSAND commisariat points or whatever they are called? It's not right. It's not fair.
But I will have them. I will get them. I will be seen walking around Bree in tiny little shorty pink shorts with sort of ballet dancer tight thingies over my sexy knees. Some day it will happen. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not next week. But it will happen.
And when it does you will see a sight to behold. A super sexy bald man, dressed in tiny tight little pink shorts, laying down the dance magic for the ladies.
Oh yeah. I know you can hardly wait.
In other news, I was defeated and ran away four times in the Limlight Gorge because Melanie would not come to save me. Well, it was close to four times anyway, although I wasn't actually strictly defeated, not as such. But she should have come anyway. I was heartbroken and wept bitter tears. Talk about ingratitude. She'd be nothing without me. I taught her all she knows. In a manner of speaking. To make up for this, though, the Lady Chastity Belt showed up at the weekly BBB concert, to much acclaim. Well, OK, that was exaggerated, too. There wasn't any acclaim at all, and certainly not for the Lady Chastity Belt (of all people!) but she was indeed there.
More interestingly, I received an enquiry from a person (whom I don't know at all) asking why I no longer write any articles for the Landroval Times. I pointed out to this person that my LT articles caused such offense to so many people that I was no longer able to post them anywhere without having them immediately deleted. I rather thought that was the whole point of a Celebrity Gossip Column, myself. I mean, does one really read The News of the World for its intellectual and informed content? Possibly not.
I've been tempted a number of times to resume, but have resisted. I have to say that the thought of being required to explain, yet again, to the Noble Lady Harperella (NLH), why a member of the Lonely Mountain Band is responsible, yet again, for the departure of another 50 sensitive souls from Middle-Earth, is not a thought I relish. That NLH is a scary chick, I'm telling you.
But I ramble. I must get back to earning Commissariat RAtion Points. I need those hotpants.
Most importantly, I got the dance move. The cool one. The happening one. The one you get from those smelly tattooed barbarians in Enedwaith. And now I can look even better on the dance floor. I already looked good, I know, I know, you don't have to say it, but now I will look even better. Watch out ladies, Aegthil the Dance Champ is here.
I have also fallen in love with a pair of pink hotpants. Leggings of the Unseen, apparently, they are called. Because, as Sarasti says, once they are seen they can never be unseen and therefore you should really walk around with your eyes closed. Why oh why are they available only to burglars and only for the ridiculous price of OVER NINE THOUSAND commisariat points or whatever they are called? It's not right. It's not fair.
But I will have them. I will get them. I will be seen walking around Bree in tiny little shorty pink shorts with sort of ballet dancer tight thingies over my sexy knees. Some day it will happen. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not next week. But it will happen.
And when it does you will see a sight to behold. A super sexy bald man, dressed in tiny tight little pink shorts, laying down the dance magic for the ladies.
Oh yeah. I know you can hardly wait.
In other news, I was defeated and ran away four times in the Limlight Gorge because Melanie would not come to save me. Well, it was close to four times anyway, although I wasn't actually strictly defeated, not as such. But she should have come anyway. I was heartbroken and wept bitter tears. Talk about ingratitude. She'd be nothing without me. I taught her all she knows. In a manner of speaking. To make up for this, though, the Lady Chastity Belt showed up at the weekly BBB concert, to much acclaim. Well, OK, that was exaggerated, too. There wasn't any acclaim at all, and certainly not for the Lady Chastity Belt (of all people!) but she was indeed there.
More interestingly, I received an enquiry from a person (whom I don't know at all) asking why I no longer write any articles for the Landroval Times. I pointed out to this person that my LT articles caused such offense to so many people that I was no longer able to post them anywhere without having them immediately deleted. I rather thought that was the whole point of a Celebrity Gossip Column, myself. I mean, does one really read The News of the World for its intellectual and informed content? Possibly not.
I've been tempted a number of times to resume, but have resisted. I have to say that the thought of being required to explain, yet again, to the Noble Lady Harperella (NLH), why a member of the Lonely Mountain Band is responsible, yet again, for the departure of another 50 sensitive souls from Middle-Earth, is not a thought I relish. That NLH is a scary chick, I'm telling you.
But I ramble. I must get back to earning Commissariat RAtion Points. I need those hotpants.
I speak truly when I say that I fainted at the idea of you, gentle minstrel, in pink hot-pants laying down "the dance magic."
ReplyDeleteI too have missed the Celebrity Rags. What a debacle.
ReplyDeleteWith all the offense caused so easily by language, I wonder sometimes if we all wouldn't be better off to resort to grunting and miming like the days of yore.
Then we all could argue with hand gestures over rude hand gestures and eyebrow wiggles.
~BB
I too miss the celebrity news :( Some folk so easily offended, I'm afraid to wonder what they must be like 'in the real world' where there is always gossip afoot.
ReplyDelete