Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Aegthil's Guide to Poverty, Chastity and Humility

As you will all know, my recent epiphany (see previous diary entry) has had a significant effect on my life, and is already garnering an enormous amount of favourable attention.

For example, my new Rose Robe has been widely admired, and even I have come to doubt my previous faith in the power of Black. Once you become a sensitive and deeply caring person (as I now am), and walk around town in a lovely Rose Robe, your eyes are opened to all the petty selfishness that tends to be associated with Black. You see posturing minstrels, preening rogues, self-satisfied warriors, ugly ladies, all dressed to the nines in various incarnations of Black, and all looking just the same.

By trying to stand out from the crowd, they merely make the crowd. The irony is exquisite.

Of course, I was never like them, even in the bad old days, but still. Improvement is never wasted.

However, to get back to the point of this diary entry, I have discovered that I am equally as good at carrying out my vows of Poverty, Chastity and Humility, as I was previously at everything else. And so, as I am now a sensitive and caring person, I want to share my expertise, share my knowledge, and help all my readers along the path to personal enlightenment.

Why take such vows?

If you have to ask this question, you obviously need to take the vows. The answer is so obvious than even a moron like yourself should understand.

If you don't like that answer, well, not my problem.


This vow is relatively simple. Poverty means giving all your stuff to band members, leaving nothing at all for yourself, no matter how uncomfortable this makes you, or no matter how much you actually need that stuff yourself to keep yourself warm, or fed, or comfortable, or safe, or out of trouble, or happy, or fulfilled, or occupied, or mentally stable.

I'm not complaining, oh no. I'm very happy to give all my ingots to the nasty piper man, and all my wood logs to Blue, and all my everything else to that disgusting little shortie, Carica, and receiving nothing at all in return. 

I'm very happy to do this because it earns me points for my vows which is an important personal milestone.

Poverty also means having no money, which means that when you need stuff you have to ask band members to get it for you, like fancy swords and things, but this is only right and just. After all, they are your fellow band mates and it should be their goal to help you out in a challenging time. Or any time at all, actually. This makes them feel good, so you get a double benefit.


Tricky, but doable, depending on your strict definition of chastity. Strictly speaking, chastity does not include Madame Celestine's Establishment for Young Ladies, as that is a charitable establishment with tax-exempt status, which makes it ineligible to participate in vow-making.

This certainly helps the cause.

But trouble can occur in other ways also, from the crowds of adoring ladies always present to cheer me on and support me in any way necessary. However, I have found a fool-proof way to resist this ever-present temptation. The solution is as follows:
  • In all public appearances, try and stand close to some person playing the bagpipes.
  • This has a dual effect. Firstly, it makes you look super clever, and super handsome.
  • Secondly, the noise emanating from the bagpipes induces nausea in all people within hearing distance, and this decreases other animal urges.
  • Thirdly, the smell emanating from the bagpipe player is equally nauseating, and equally discouraging to the amatory arts.
Follow these rules, and you won't go wrong. I haven't gone wrong yet, or at least not very often and only in minor, unimportant ways.


This is probably the easiest of the three. I have found myself to be equally good at being humble as I am at everything else. There's really not much to it. Here are a few simple lines to learn, that can help you out:
  • Hullo Ladies, I'm the humble Aegthil!
  • Hey gorgeous, do you find humility sexy? You should! I'm as humble as they come!
  • Yo, dickface, if I wasn't so bloody humble I'd bop you on the nose for being such a bloody moron. Not to mention a total incompetent who's not even qualified to wipe his own arse.
  • Hey, everybody. We are the famous BBB and I am the humble Aegthil! Listen and admire, peoples, listen and admire.
With regular and repeated use of these, and other similar, lines, you will find that humility comes as naturally as breathing. It's really no big deal.

And that brings to an end this installment of Aegthil's Guides. Thank you all for reading, and I know you'll find my ideas incredibly useful. 

Don't worry, you're in good company!  Everybody loves my guides.


  1. I 'bout done spouted on your third line of humility. Good thing my Biographer is above such debasing personal and immoral acts.

    She says I like those ingots and to keep them coming. It's your own fault if you're losing everything you own. Be charitable, man! Have a heart! Greater love hath no man, than he who giveth his ingots, and wood, and miscellaneous items for his friends' benefit. I know you feel good about it in the end. It's a gift we're giving you, actually, by taking them. See?

    Be sure to always give pentance at Madame Celestine's. Someone's got to pay for all those poor girls to eat and make them feel special. It's charity, really. No, really, it is. You're doing them a favor! I will be sure to act offended by your rude and immoral non-compliments regarding the bagpipes later. Like the pipes are your real problem! Pfft!

    On humility... well, it's overrated. Best just to be a honeybadger and take what you want. That's the new motto. You're really missing out with all this humility crap. Sounding a bit like an evil colleague, even, who's got these acts nailed down! How very disturbing, Aegthil!

    Beor, for the P.B.

  2. haha so amusing to see you finding some new proud in your humbility ....