The Beard gets lucky. Or something.

Honestly, it's outrageous what some women think. Or at least what they say, which cannot possibly be what they think. Can it? Surely not.

So we, as in BBB, were practising our moves in Bree last night, and this Cute Little Number (CLN) approaches on her horse.

Think I to myself, Ooo, here's a CLN approaching, time to look my best. So I put on my very best smile, do my very best bow and say in my politest and nicest voice, Hey Gorgeous, I'm the famous Aegthil.

Now, you have to admit this is a great pickup line. It has never failed me yet at Madame Celestine's. Not once. Every time a coconut, baby. I walk in, say that line, and Bam. Immediate success.

But not this time. CLN takes one look at me, one look at Beor, and promptly turns into the CLNFM, which is the CLN From Mordor. I tell you, it was nasty.

Oooo, says the CLNFM, what big muscles you have!

All the better to squeeze you with, says Beor. Everybody else winces.

Ooooo, says the CLNFM, what a big beard you have!

All the better to tickle between your thighs, says Beor. Everybody else vomits.

Oooo, says the CLNFM, what a broad and sexy chest you have!

All the better to press against your surgically-enhanced assets, says Beor, can I buy you some chocolates? By now, Bree was knee deep in regurgitation.

Oooo, says the CLNFM, yes please. So off they go, cool as you please, leaving the rest of us gasping in shock. I mean, Beor didn't even follow the 5-step process. In the 5-step process buying chocolates is step 3, and Beor totally omitted to do step 2 first, which is the arse squeezing.

And when I offered to do step 2 on his behalf, the CLNFM threatened to make me, and I quote, "shit my teeth".

How vulgar is that? Threatening physical violence, and offering foul and abusive language, to a gentleman of refinement such as myself. Unbelievable! Inconceivable! And what's worse, it was all witnessed by the lovely Luceedribbles, one of the very best of the Lonely Mountain Band. What will she think of me now?

I had to leave the scene precipitously, as my delicate sensibilities just couldn't cope with such vulgarity.