I haven't been allowed out all that much recently as my Fool has been working on the video for Harperella's Grace (and working for Bluebonnett, unpaid), but when I was allowed a short break from Madame Celestine's I was forced to travel all the way up to that place of living hell. Forochel.
Forochel, the Living Hell. It even rhymes. I detect the workings of fate.
Why was I sent up there, I hear you ask. Well, not for any good reason, let me tell you. Something to do with an epic quest. I'm not sure exactly what is meant by an epic quest, but I'm guessing it means a pain-in-the-bloody-arse quest that sends you hither and yon, again and again, taking a message from Elrond to some guy, and then taking a message back, and then taking a message to the horse master, and then collecing pieces of junk from every single bloody city in the entire world, and then taking another message to Elrond, and then going back to the first guy who sends you all the way to Forochel the Living Hell..... you get the picture. Pain in the arse. Why can't Elrond deliver his own bloody messages and do his own shopping? Lazy bugger. I'm the famous Aegthil of Gondor and I should be treated with a bit more bloody RESPECT!
Take a deep breath. Let me have a zen moment....
That's better. Anway, it seems some ranger person, Laerden, or some such name, had this daughter called Narmeleth. She was a sweet wee thing, very pretty, very cute, lots of fun to have around the house, except that every so often she would turn into the Evil Bitch Queen (EBQ) and start stamping around the place, screaming and yelling things like You Can't Force Me to Tidy My Room, You Effing Bastard, or maybe Eff You, You Effing Bastard, I Effing Hate You, and I Effing Hate Effing Mum Too so Eff Both of You.
Well, Mr. Laerden, let me tell you something. This isn't possession by an evil force out of Mordor. Cute wee Narmeleth is not magically controlled by the EBQ Amarthelitha, or whatever her name is. It's nothing like that. Nope.
Narmeleth is merely a teenager, and acting in a perfectly normal age-appropriate manner. She is struggling with all kinds of personal life issues, but most particularly with the unpleasant realisation that her family is not actually there entirely for her benefit, and to act as servants whenever required to do so. This comes as a nasty shock to girls of Narmeleth's age and they understandably have trouble adjusting.
This sort of behaviour is easily interpreted as possession by the EBQ. Scientific studies have shown that 78.4% of parents believe, even if only subconsciously, that their darling child is the unwilling victim of possession by an EBQ from Mordor. But this is not the case.
There is only one remedy. You must have patience, Mr. Laerden, you must have patience, and treat the EBQ at all time with courtesy and respect. For example, when your EBQ-possessed daughter calls you an Effing Bastard, you must reply with calm dignity, Well Eff You Too, You EBQ, You're Not The Only Effing Bastard Who Can Lose Their Effing Temper, and then you can throw her out of the house.
A restrained response like this is very effective, and will teach your EBQ daughter the importance of a mature and responsible attitude to life's little problems.
The one thing you absolutely do NOT want to do, is send me up to Forochel the Living Hell to drag her back. Quite frankly, I don't give a damn about your EBQ daughter, and it's just too bloody cold up here.