A Minstrel's Diary, with Notes by his Fool.: Aegthil's guide to Epic quests: Volume 1.

Now that I have managed to complete every single last one of Volume 1 of the Epic quests, I am finally in a position to share my extensive knowledge about this quest series. I'm nice that way. I like to spread the love.

What are Epic Quests?

Epic quests are special quests that were designed by Sauron, with the specific goal of causing mental instability and illness among the denizens of Middle Earth. They were gestated in the deepest, darkest pits of Mordor, in the Fires of Mount Doom and the Bowels of the Mountain, and were let loose upon an unsuspecting world approximately 17 years ago.

These quests appear first as a simple quest chain, easy to complete, short and relatively pleasant. However, an insidious transformation soon follows, as the chain morphs into a ravening, lethal monster that eats your brain, leaving you a drooling idiot. I admit that, with some people, it's a little difficult to tell (think BBB here), but a thorough medical examination will soon verify the above statement. (Note: anybody who gives a BBB member, including Geoffroi, a medical examination, is advised to undergo a rigorous personal hygeine improvement procedure, using an industrial-strength, super-concentrate disinfectant with active enzymes.)

Contagion

The major reason that Epic quests are so lethal is the extremely high level of contagion. It is estimated that the Reproductive Number, R, of the final epic quest in the series is approximately 300, which is a very big number indeed. Much bigger than lots of other numbers like 2 or 68 or 400. The contagion results from the fact that some epic quests give quest rewards like nice cloaks, or nice hats, or handsome shoes, and when other players see these nice hats and shoes they are seduced, in their turn, into attempting the Epic quests. By this method Epic quests can ravage an entire population in less than a week.

Where do Epic Quests start? The initial infection

Epic quests start in villages close to Bree and spread from there into Bree. Initial infections are characterised by the following series of trips:

Go to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go to Archet
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Go back to Bree
Go back to Combe
Tear out your hair and say a rude word

Once a typical person has been infected by this series the prognosis is not good. Studies show that only 32% of people ever manage to recover, even partially, after being infected.

Where do Epic Quests end? The denouement.

Eventually, as the infection develops, you advance from running between Bree and Combe to travelling between Rivendell and Forochel The Living Hell with side trips to other nasty places. For example, a typical sign of advanced infection is:

Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to Michael Delving
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to Bree
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to Thorin's Hall
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Go to talk to pointy-eared Elrond
Go to Forochel The Living Hell
Gouge out your eyeballs with a red-hot needle

Eventually, you get to talk to Narmaleth the Teenager EBQ (see earlier diary entry) and then you can chop her hand off when she really annoys you.

Finally, it all ends, and you get given a goat as a present. Woo. Very exciting. Well, I exaggerate. Not very exciting really. But at least you know that the infection is over, you have passed through the eye of the needle, you have survived the purifying fire, and you are now a better person.

Amen.

2 comments:

AnonymousOctober 7, 2011 at 1:16 PM
Now you know why I like goats so much. They signify purification and the end of infection. Also, you can eat them and make cheese from their byproducts.

Please extrapolate on the reproductive number theory in regards to chopping off Narm's hand. I don't remember that part!

The clothing plague comes! Hide your Armani! Put your suits in a bag, lest you be infected and seduced. No, no, don't be tempted by the shoes! 300 is more than 400!

(Note: Steel wool and bleach is also handy when dealing with BBB members.)

Hahahaha. Exquisite. Best guide yet, Fool.
~Beor & P.B. (Co-conspiritars)
MoranaeOctober 8, 2011 at 1:12 AM
This comment has been removed by the author.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Aegthil's guide to Epic quests: Volume 1.

2 comments: