Friday, October 19, 2012

Aegthil's Guide to the Bagpipes

The bagpipes (often called simply "the pipes") are one of the most unusual "musical" instruments, both in their origin and their sound, and bring a unique "flavour" to the Bree music scene.

Origin of the bagpipes

It is often claimed that the bagpipes originated from some of the earliest wind instruments played by the dwarfs of the Blue Mountain region, but this is just one of the many fallacies promulgated by ignorance.

The very first "bagpipes" were actually a shipment of used Elvish contraceptive devices that were being transported to the West for hygenic destruction in a sterile environment. On its way past Ered Luin this shipment was waylaid by the then Dwarf King, Thorin IV Oakenlegs.

Initial questions over the function of this shipment was soon answered, when a fortuitous discovery by the famous Dwarven minstrel, Boli Mightyspear, showed how these contraceptive devices, when placed in the mouth and blown hard, could make a sound approximating that of the best dwarven "music" available at that time.

The Rivendell Trading Company, upon realising what had happened, were quick to grasp the commercial opportunities inherest in the situation, and set up a thriving export business in used contraceptive devices, which continues to this day.

The dwarves, and other bagpipe players, appear to remain unaware of the exact provenance of their instruments.

Construction of the bagpipes

Bagpipes are made from high quality Auroch's bladder, connected to bits of iron tubing with holes in it.

How to play the bagpipes

Bagpipe players claim that by covering up the various holes in the bit of iron tubing, the bagpipes can be made to produce notes of different pitch. However, anybody who has ever listened to the bagpipes knows this to be false. Bagpipes only ever play a single note. The same note. Over and over again. No change. Ever.

Can bagpipes be used as contraceptive devices?

Yes, in two ways. Firstly there are the obvious anatomical ways the bagpipes can, and have, been used. Proof that this method works can be seen in any Elvish settlement, where there are NEVER any Elvish children. None. Ever. And this isn't because Elves don't enjoy a good time, trust me.

Secondly, the sound produced by the bagpipes is inimical to feelings of sexual desire, and thus playing the bagpipes will, by its very nature, decrease the player's libido, and shrink their ... well, never mind about that. In addition, anybody who listens to the bagpipes tends to succumb to feelings of morbid depression, with a consequent severe decrease in conjugal or other intimate relations.

Can bagpipe players be rehabilitated?

No. Euthanasia is usually the best option.


  1. Aaaaaah who knew? How enligtening thank you Agelittle. So actually... these things are pipe-bags not bag-pipes...

  2. Now I am worried about Beorbrand.

    - Saffyyre

  3. You're horrible, terrible, no-good. I hate, hate, hate, HATE you. All this because I ripped on that old broomstick we found you to play with. PUHELEEEEZE.