Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Aegthil's Skirmish Guides: The Bree Raid Skirmish

Back by popular demand, I bring you the next installment of my famous guides. My Tailoring Guide was an enormous hit, and rightly so; now I am delighted to bring you a guide to skirmishes. Guaranteed to have the same unique perspective and insightful comments that you all have come to love.

Skirmishes. Right. Here we go.

Figure 1. Always ask your kinship for advice.
Let's start from the beginning. The first thing to learn about skirmishes is that you get a little servant who will do whatever you ask him (or her!) to do. This has enormous possibilities. But a decision is needed, as you have to choose what kind of servant you want. Some of them are males and carry heavy things like swords, while others are female and provide you with herbal assistance (see Figure 1 for details). Quite frankly, the choice is obvious. The herb provider is kind of cute (see later) and provides all sorts of services in addition to herbs. Your tastes may vary of course, so feel free to get yourself a male herb provider if you prefer.

Once you have your herb provider you then have to choose a skirmish to do. I'm going to start with a Raid Skirmish, as they are the best ones to start with.

To get into your Raid Skirmish you talk to your herb provider. This can be done at almost any time, except really early in the morning. Personally, I don't mind morning breath on my herb provider, but some people find this a little off-putting and prefer to clean their teeth first before discussing additional skirmish services.

Remember, always use skirmish protection when asking for skirmish services from your herb provider. If you're unsure of how to get suitable protection, then consult my Tailoring Guide, which can be found ... um ... never mind about that. Tailors are expert at the construction of suitable skirmish protection, which can in fact be used multiple times as long as you're not too squeamish. I think they use bat fur for this.

Figure 2. Ask a smelly bagpipe player.
Before talking to your herb provider, consult a friend, and enlist them to help. Often Raid Skirmishes are better done in pairs, as the conversation is a lot better that way. Your herb provider, although useful in many many varied and interesting ways, is not a good conversationalist. She doesn't have to be. If you can't find a friend, or a nice non-stinky person to join the Raid Skirmish with you, a bagpipe player will do instead (Figure 2).

OK, now you're pretty much all set. You've got your herb provider, who should be at level 2 by now, and your cannon fodder (the bagpipe player).

You now head into the instance. It can be a bit difficult to find the entrance, and sometimes you need to look around for a bit, so we just went into the Bree Skirmish Raid, as that was a nice easy one to find, making it good for beginners.

When you enter the Bree Skirmish Raid there is some guy on the ground whining and moaning about stuff, but just ignore him.

Figure 3. Complementary outfits are important
Now, make sure your herb provider is ready and waiting to assist you, and that she (or he) is properly dressed (Figure 3). As you can see from the picture, this is not always easy. Because of my experience and artistic talent, I have managed to dress my herb provider properly, in a lovely blue outfit that complements the outfit that Apple-Sherie got for me. My bagpipe player, unfortunately lacks this same knowledge and fashion awareness, and his herb provider has some nasty red robe thing on; this is just not a good statement.

The next step is to go out the gate by the whining man and kill the baddies. This is pretty easy, so I probably don't need to go into too much detail. Once you have saved the town you get a special Raid Skirmish award, which is a little medal thing on a ribbon, presented by a lady with a short skirt and blond hair. I suspect the blond was artificial. Maybe the legs were, too, but I'm less sure about that. They felt real.

Figure 4. Saying goodbye.
Anyway, that's all there is to the Bree Raid Skirmish. Say goodbye to your companion and take your Raid Skirmish Award back to your herb provider. Mostly my companions say how fun it was to talk to me, and how it was a real pleasure to meet me, that kind of thing (Figure 4). I can understand this, but not everybody will have the same experience, so don't be disappointed if your companion just leaves without saying anything. It will take time for you to improve your personality to the level of mine, but when at first you don't succeed, try and try again. That's the spirit.

You can trade your Raid Skirmish Award for special favours from your herb provider, or for special herbs. Personally, I recommend the special favours, as Beorlich does a great deal on very special herbs, while you wouldn't really want him to provide any other special favours.

So, that's all from me, for this installment of Aegthil's Skirmish Guides. Happy hunting to you all, and I hope you all have many happy hours with your herb provider.


  1. So that's what you do with all those extraordinairy hides I send you! Ugh! Good thing I am helping contribute to the PROTECTION of Middle Earth. On that vein, do the extraordinairy hides make the more pleasing varieties then vs. the light or the magnificent? Actually, while I am curious, don't answer that question. Some things are best left unsaid. You just keep doing your thing, Mr. Radiation Hands.

    How dare you insult my Ernie like that! Bert is such a tramp! I would never dream of asking Ernie to provide such skirmish services, morning breath or not! You are bribing Bert, I am sure! You will run out of gold eventually and then you will see some skirmish maneuvers!

    Fool, I laughed so hard I cried. That's a great way to wake up - many thanks, but don't tell anyone I said as much.


  2. It may be useful for fellow hunters to know that if you find your skirmish going poorly, you can always just use your Desperate Flight skill, and *poof*! You're safe at camp!

    Your fellow skirmishers will all cheer that at least *someone* made it out safely, of course!

  3. Pfft, Bluebonnett, pfft. We should all be such fortunate Brave Sir Robins! Some of us actually stick around and keep dying one heroic, dramatic death after another when Mr. Glowy fails to heal our asses like they should! Best to rub his failures in than run away, I say.