Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Aegthil's guide to legendary things for Minstrels

I have now reached the exalted rank of 51. Very impressive, I hear you say, and you would be right. And this exalted rank comes with the ability to wield things called legendary weapons.

Now, in case you don't know what a legendary weapon is, it's a special kind of weapon that comes with a legend attached to it, as in something untrue and probably defamatory. My special weapon, which happens to be a sword, was named by Beor as the Sword of Clapping, which might be untrue and is certainly defamatory (hint: the name doesn't refer to the act of striking one's hands together to make a sound). The associated legend is something about Apple-Sherie but I haven't enquired into the details. You shouldn't either, particularly if your name is Wrenaya or if you have a sensitive disposition, or both. Or, come to think of it, if your name is Ashmara, either. Or Delna. Or.. well, never mind.

Anyway, the system for legendary weapons is usually thought to be very complicated, but actually it's all very simple. First you get the weapon, then you identify it by taking it to an Identifier Person, and then you pick it up and kill stuff with it. There are other details such as relics and things, but these are unimportant and don't make any difference to how good you look.

I tried equipping various relicy sorts of things - one was a buckle I seem to remember - but I couldn't notice any difference at all in audience responses in the I-Love-Aegthil surveys (conducted by the Official Statistics Department of the Bree Mayoral Office). This is scientific proof that relics on legendary weapons make no difference at all; this, by itself, should be useful information to the entire Middle-Earth community and should help to prevent people wasting their precious time and money on unimportant things.

I also was given some sort of Minstrel legendary book thingy, but that seems to be of even less use than relics. It has only a very limited effect when you hit things with it, and some of the songs in it are Shire Country Music, which is not just offensive, it's scary. So I just don't see the point. On the other hand, I can certainly believe that the best way to kill a baddie is to sing him (or her) a Shire Country song. It is amazing how much damage can be done by a simple three-chord strum behind a cliche melody and tear-jerking lyrics. Just listen to my Fool's music, you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, it's not like I need to read music or anything, as I am a firm believer in the art of improvisation, so it's probably best just not to bother with that legendary book thing.


  1. Gluing belt buckles and tacky mathoms to your hilt won't do the trick, Egghead. Try pasting them to the top of your head instead. A smart weapon identifier person told me this will enhance your weapon and make you look super cool. You will also be able to direct air traffic with you head.

    Pet Biographer suggests carrying a mixtape of Britney Spears to handle the rest... or you could just sing... anything, really. Flashing them your theorbo would also do the trick, I imagine.


  2. Too bad I cannot rate your posts. This one would receive 5 stars. :D

  3. http://landrovaltimes.info/news/bards-beers-longbeards-oh-my

    Front page news for that silliness that was B.B.B. in the Shire. You really should stop getting us kicked OUT of the pubs.