Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Aegthil's Skirmish Guides: Trouble in Tookborough

My very first skirmish guide on how to save Bree was a huge success, even to the extent that I had members of my kinship asking me how they also could access its priceless information. I was happy to oblige Harperella, and I am sure that her skirmish experience has dramatically improved since. You're welcome, you're very welcome indeed. I like to be of service.

Now, since bobbit control is a major problem in general (think of Bluebonnett and the Buggerydoos), I thought I would contribute to the debate by a detailed discussion of the skirmish where you have to save the Tooks. Or something like that.

Question: What is this skirmish?

Answer: It's the one where you have to save the bobbits. Apparently the Tooks have been taken over by goblins and it's your job to sort them out. The goblins, that is. I think. Possibly the Tooks.

Question: Which skirmish helper should I use?

Answer: This is easy. Use your herb provider. Skirmishes can be a highly stressful experience, and your herb provider is skilled in a variety of measures that are guaranteed to relieve stress and improve your overall karma and spiritual aura. Their herbs are all medically certified for this use, and are guaranteed to be legal, as long as you don't inhale, which of course you wouldn't do anyway, would you? Any other skirmish services may also relieve stress although they do not always come with a medical certificate.

Question: Why should I care about saving the Tooks anyway?

Answer: This is a very good question, and gets at the heart of what makes a successful skirmish soldier. The fact is that you don't actually care about the Tooks at all. They're bobbits. Your emotions must remain uninvolved as you turn yourself into a ruthless, cold-hearted, efficient killing machine.

Question: How can I tell the difference between the goblins and the bobbits?

Answer: You can't. They all look the same. But it doesn't matter. Just kill any small things you see.

Question: What are all these little holes in the ground with little doors?

Answer: These are bobbit latrines, so don't go in them.

Question: Where do the bobbits live?

Answer: Bobbits live inside their latrines I think, which is the reason they have doors. These are holes in the ground, but much smaller than Moria, which is essentially a big hole in the ground where dwarves live.

Question: If the dwarves can dig a really big hole like Moria, and bobbits are about the same size as dwarfs, why can't bobbits dig big holes too?

Answer: The latest, and most compelling, theory is to do with size of certain regions of bobbit and dwarf brains. The hipplocampular fundamentus is the region of a dwarf brain that controls appetite and promotes the digging reflexes. In bobbits, who naturally have much smaller brains, the hippolcemplar fandamental is a lot smaller, which is why they eat a lot and cannot dig big holes.

Question: Well, yeah, but Moria is HUGE and bobbit holes are TINY.

Answer: Yep.

Question: What do I do with these flagpoles?

Answer: Whatever you do, don't touch the flagpoles. They are surrounded by fancy glittering lights to make them look attractive, but this is nothing but a goblin trap. If you touch those flagpoles you get immediately attacked by reinforcements, including goblin leaders, and other bobbits come out of the latrine doors to attack you as well. It's a very bad scene. Don't touch the flagpoles.

Question: How do I know when I've saved the Tooks?

Answer: Well, you don't really, but then you don't care either. At any rate, eventually you come to a blocked gate, which is blocked because the Tooks don't want you trespassing on their land. When this happens it's safe to talk to your herb provider and go home.

Question: What is the best way for me to show my appreciation for your wonderful skirmish guides?

Answer: Thank you for asking. It depends on your gender and race. If you are a human female, or a fairly broad-minded female elf, then talk to Madame Celestine, who will provide guidance. Otherwise, send cash to

Aegthil of Gondor
2 High Road
Bree Homesteads


  1. Aegthil, your knowledge (or rather, lack thereof) of us hobbits is utterly appalling! Not to mention the fact that you've caused my Scribe to completely lose her ability to function. *grumble* She's now rolling around on the floor, cackling and muttering "Don't touch the flagpoles! The bobbits will attack from their latrines! Ahahahahahaha!"

    It's most annoying. :]

  2. Aegthil, a ruthless, cold-hearted, efficient killing machine?! Please! Have you been ingesting mind-altering substances again? And to think of all these pies I've been eating from the bobbits all these years! Made in those latrines, bleagh! Eating lembas will become awfully old!

  3. Quite simply the best guide ever. I found a goblin trying to dig in to the bobbit bogs so I handed him a bigger spade and I'm a bobbit! Ruddy Tooks.