Aegthil's guide to looking sexy

Poor Jeta was a bit concerned about her looks the other night. So, as a public service, here are a few useful tips to help out all those struggling with personal appearance issues.

1. First, note that my Fool isn't writing this guide. There is a reason for this. Nobody would ever ask my Fool advice on how to look good. Ever. He knows absolutely nothing about this kind of thing, which you can tell at a glance. A very short glance. He could write a pretty good guide about how to look like a fat, balding, smelly old man, but that's about it.

2. Shave your head. Baldness is super-handsome. No, really, it is. Just look at me and you'll soon realise the truth of this statement.

3. Play a musical instrument, except the bagpipes. Don't play the bagpipes, they make you look like a total moron. My Fool doesn't actually pay the bagpipes, but he manages to look like a total moron anyway, which is pretty hard to do if you're playing a real musical instrument.

4. Play any other musical instrument. Say the theorbo. Flutes and clarinets are not great as you have to blow into them and this puffs your cheeks out, making you look a bit silly.

5. If you want to look manly, horns are OK as they are manly manly instruments and clearly anybody playing a horn has a high testosterone level, even if their cheeks are puffed out. This is pretty obvious, really. Try to avoid girly instruments like the viol, or the violin. Lutes are borderline.

6. If you want the converse, then play the viol, or maybe the harp. I think you have to have blonde hair to play the harp, but I'm not entirely sure on that one.

7. Wear black. No other colour is acceptable.

8. Don't wear boots to a dance. If you do this, beautiful ladies will sneer at your footware. I discovered this fact, at immense personal cost.

9. Say nice things to all the ladies, even if their dresses are really hideous and vile. For example, "Greetings, lovely lady, you are looking most radiantly beautiful tonight." Practise in front of a mirror so that you can say this with a straight face, no matter what she really looks like. Another good expression is "That is such a lovely dress you are wearing, and it makes you look extremely attractive. May I have the name of your tailor?" If she doesn't slap your face, then follow this with "Can I buy you a drink?". I'm not quite sure what to do next, as I've never reached the third stage, but people who ought to know tell me that the next step might be dinner. Or maybe chocolates.

10. Don't shave too often. Stubble is really sexy and it also takes less time.

11. Wash regularly.

12. Trim your nostril hairs.