The Monster Mash

Yet another sold-out performance by the famous BBB, starring the humble Aegthil. And didn't we all look just gorgeous in our colourful suits? (The correct answer is, Yes.) Organised by the elegant and beautiful Gingerale, a succession of inferior bands played some inferior music (to set the stage) and then, to rapturous applause, out we came.

The cheering was deafening. Flowers were thrown in profusion, or would have been if there had been any flowers to throw. I was greatly admired in my New Black suit. The ladies swooned. The gentlemen ground their teeth in jealousy. My false beard rather spoiled the overall look, but that's expected at parties like this.

Fortunately people danced, so we didn't have to chop Gourgini into pieces and mail him out. Just as well. The chopping would have been a dirty and smelly job, and the bobbits are sure to have complained about having to do it.

A conversation between the Fool and his son

Son (playing WoW):  Hey, Dad, this guy just said "Thank you" to me.

Father: Well, that's not the WoW we have all come to know and love. Clearly WoW is gradually morphing into a LOTRO-esque parody, and very soon you'll have all kinds of people running around saying please and thank you and talking in real English instead of this pathetic and irritating teen speak, and then before you know it you'll be playing a hobbit and actually doing something creative like playing music instead of just indulging youself by beating the faces of other players into the ground. It's the thin end of the wedge! Beware! You are treading on the dangerous borders of adult maturity! Get out now while you still can!

Son: Relax Dad. I was messing with you. It was a quest giver.

(Short pause)

Son: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

Aegthil's Guide to Poverty, Chastity and Humility

As you will all know, my recent epiphany (see previous diary entry) has had a significant effect on my life, and is already garnering an enormous amount of favourable attention.

For example, my new Rose Robe has been widely admired, and even I have come to doubt my previous faith in the power of Black. Once you become a sensitive and deeply caring person (as I now am), and walk around town in a lovely Rose Robe, your eyes are opened to all the petty selfishness that tends to be associated with Black. You see posturing minstrels, preening rogues, self-satisfied warriors, ugly ladies, all dressed to the nines in various incarnations of Black, and all looking just the same.

By trying to stand out from the crowd, they merely make the crowd. The irony is exquisite.

Of course, I was never like them, even in the bad old days, but still. Improvement is never wasted.

However, to get back to the point of this diary entry, I have discovered that I am equally as good at carrying out my vows of Poverty, Chastity and Humility, as I was previously at everything else. And so, as I am now a sensitive and caring person, I want to share my expertise, share my knowledge, and help all my readers along the path to personal enlightenment.


Why take such vows?

If you have to ask this question, you obviously need to take the vows. The answer is so obvious than even a moron like yourself should understand.

If you don't like that answer, well, not my problem.

Poverty

This vow is relatively simple. Poverty means giving all your stuff to band members, leaving nothing at all for yourself, no matter how uncomfortable this makes you, or no matter how much you actually need that stuff yourself to keep yourself warm, or fed, or comfortable, or safe, or out of trouble, or happy, or fulfilled, or occupied, or mentally stable.

I'm not complaining, oh no. I'm very happy to give all my ingots to the nasty piper man, and all my wood logs to Blue, and all my everything else to that disgusting little shortie, Carica, and receiving nothing at all in return. 

I'm very happy to do this because it earns me points for my vows which is an important personal milestone.

Poverty also means having no money, which means that when you need stuff you have to ask band members to get it for you, like fancy swords and things, but this is only right and just. After all, they are your fellow band mates and it should be their goal to help you out in a challenging time. Or any time at all, actually. This makes them feel good, so you get a double benefit.

Chastity

Tricky, but doable, depending on your strict definition of chastity. Strictly speaking, chastity does not include Madame Celestine's Establishment for Young Ladies, as that is a charitable establishment with tax-exempt status, which makes it ineligible to participate in vow-making.

This certainly helps the cause.

But trouble can occur in other ways also, from the crowds of adoring ladies always present to cheer me on and support me in any way necessary. However, I have found a fool-proof way to resist this ever-present temptation. The solution is as follows:

• In all public appearances, try and stand close to some person playing the bagpipes.
• This has a dual effect. Firstly, it makes you look super clever, and super handsome.
• Secondly, the noise emanating from the bagpipes induces nausea in all people within hearing distance, and this decreases other animal urges.
• Thirdly, the smell emanating from the bagpipe player is equally nauseating, and equally discouraging to the amatory arts.

Follow these rules, and you won't go wrong. I haven't gone wrong yet, or at least not very often and only in minor, unimportant ways.

Humility

This is probably the easiest of the three. I have found myself to be equally good at being humble as I am at everything else. There's really not much to it. Here are a few simple lines to learn, that can help you out:

• Hullo Ladies, I'm the humble Aegthil!
• Hey gorgeous, do you find humility sexy? You should! I'm as humble as they come!
• Yo, dickface, if I wasn't so bloody humble I'd bop you on the nose for being such a bloody moron. Not to mention a total incompetent who's not even qualified to wipe his own arse.
• Hey, everybody. We are the famous BBB and I am the humble Aegthil! Listen and admire, peoples, listen and admire.

With regular and repeated use of these, and other similar, lines, you will find that humility comes as naturally as breathing. It's really no big deal.

And that brings to an end this installment of Aegthil's Guides. Thank you all for reading, and I know you'll find my ideas incredibly useful. 

Don't worry, you're in good company!  Everybody loves my guides.

Epiphany

I have had time, these last few days, much time on my hands. And in this time, the Muse has visited. I have seen the light. I now realise the folly of my old ways, I have looked deep within myself and found only foulness and vanity.

I have meditated upon this, in many ways, and many places. And my reflection has led me unto the path of self-improvement, chastity and humility.

Henceforth, I shall be a changed Aegthil. I shall be a better Aegthil.

Rose is the new Black.

Bridge concert for Baby Bobbits

Once again the famous BBB, with me, the famous Aegthil, was asked to entertain the masses at a concert. Ah me, the life of a rock star. You just get no rest at all.

I know it sounds as if it is super glamorous, with lovely ladies hanging off your arm, Beorlich weed and other such supplies, crowds cheering your every move, fan mail, screaming women, money and presents, fame and fortune. You are the fashion and style icon, everybody follows your every move, you are the centre of attention at all times, and you are, in point of fact, the schizz. Totally the schizz. Like.

Yes, it sounds that way, and it is that way. Exactly like that. (For me, anyway, not for Beor.)

But spare a thought for all the energy this uses up! Have pity on the poor rock star who is feeling a little tired, a little peaky, and yet has to go out anyway to accept the praises, the adulation, the screaming women. Do I ever get a rest, I ask myself. When do I get time for ME, instead of devoting all my time and energy to women who adore me?

I tell you. It's not all it's cracked up to be, this rock star business. But needs must, and I shall soldier on.

And then you make one little remark, one itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikini little remark, and the broadsheets are all over it, it's the gossip of the town, it's on every front page and in every conversation. So you get fired from Old Winyards for something that was totally not your fault. Is it my fault that Lenni looks fat in that dress? No. Is it my fault that I felt obliged to say something, just a very little something, entirely truthfully and only in the spirit of trying to help her? No! Of course it isn't. It is my way to help people. It's who I am. It's just me. I'm a noble soul.

It was such an over-reaction to fire me from the band. So totally an over-reaction.

Anyway, this minor point aside, here's a picture of BBB playing on the Very Last Ever Bridge (even though there are plenty more bridges after it, so it's a really stupid name) for some bobbit thing. Goodness knows what, but something to do with baby bobbits. I think there just aren't enough baby bobbits because bobbit women are just so unattractive, and so this was a concert to encourage more baby bobbit making. I think so, but I'm not sure. I really don't want to see the illustrated instructions for that one. Nope. No way.

Some bobbit lady (that's her out in front of the band) gave a long and boring speech about baby bobbits  and something was mentioned about Casually Strolling to Mordor yet again (another stupid name, for obvious reasons), BBB played, the crowd cheered, and then some losers from the Lonely Mountain Band played some horrible music by the lovely lady Gingerale (well, that's not what my Fool said, he said it was very impressive composition, but that's why we call him a Fool, because he is one, and he doesn't know anything). I wasn't allowed to play with the LMB losers (mostly) because of that unfortunate remark about Lenni. Boy, she sure can hold a grudge!

Then everybody walked to see some trolls.  I have no idea why. But I walked behind Wrenaya, which you must admit is a very nice view indeed, so that was worth it.